The White Dragon - Chapter Twelve

[kalinara]

So last time, Jaxom and Menolly were basically terrible people. Jaxom, in particular, seems to be having a real difficult time with Ruth's asexuality. And I really wish either of them would talk about Corana like she's an actual person.

There's a content warning on this chapter. So...yeah. That's how well this is going.



So we rejoin Jaxom, who is musing about how keeping a secret from his dragon isn't easy. The only safe time that he can even think about things he doesn't want Ruth to know is really late at night. I admire Jaxom's discipline a little, because as soon as there's something I DO NOT want to think about, I'm already thinking it. I feel sorry for any telepaths around.

Oh, and this is rich:

Then, too, the pace of Jaxom’s life-the now-boring training with the weyrling wing, helping Lytol and Brand to gear up the Hold to full summer activity, not to mention excursions to the Plateau Hold-caused Jaxom to fall asleep as soon as he pulled his bed furs about his shoulders. Mornings, he was often dragged out of his bed by Tordril or another fosterling just in time to keep appointments.

Gosh, I am SO sorry that being handed everything you ever wanted is boring for you, you fucking douchebag. And hi, MAYBE, if you're too tired to do your job, you could STOP with the sexy visits for a little while?

It also seems like Lytol is trying to get you involved in ruling the Hold, so maybe you should do that too?

So anyway, "the problem of Ruth's maturity cropped up in Jaxom's mind at inconvenient times during his waking hours and had to be rigidly suppressed before a hint of anxiety reached his dragon."

...you know you're not actually a real dragon rider right? You're a Lord Holder who lucked out in getting a dragon, and somehow wasn't disqualified for actual leadership afterward, in a bullshit bit of double standard. It doesn't matter if Ruth is mature or not. Maybe he'll be a perpetual adolescent.

You're still lucky to have a fucking dragon!

Anyway, this completely non-existent problem is intensified because twice at Fort Weyr, a "proddy green" had to go into a mating flight. And? Why does this effect you at all?!

The first time, Jaxom was in the middle of drill sequence and only happened to notice the flight above and beyond the weyrlings’ wing. His attention was abruptly diverted from them as a most unconcerned Ruth continued in the wing’s maneuver. Jaxom had to grab at the fighting straps to remain in place.

The second time, Jaxom and Ruth were aground when the mating shrieks of a green blooding her kill startled the Weyr. The other weyrlings were immature enough to be disinterested but the weyrlingmaster looked in Jaxom’s direction for a long moment. All at once, Jaxom realized that K’nebel was apparently wondering if Jaxom and Ruth were going to join those waiting for the green to launch herself.

Jaxom was assailed by such a gamut of emotions -anxiety, shame, expectation, reluctance, and pure terror-that Ruth reared, wings wide, in alarm.

Jaxom, this really sounds like a YOU problem.

So Ruth wants to know why Jaxom's upset, while Jaxom desperately wants to ask if Ruth felt like flying the green, and hoping in a muted whisper deep inside him that Ruth did not.

...I'm lost. Wanting to fly the green would prove that Ruth is mature right? Wouldn't that ease your worry? (But don't worry, Jaxom won't have a gay experience or anything.)

With a challenging snarl, the green dragon was airborne, the blues and browns after her while she repeated her taunting challenge. Quicker, lighter than any of her prospective mates, her facility strengthened by her sexual readiness, she achieved a conspicuous distance before the first male had become airborne. Then they were all after her. On the killing ground, their riders closed into a knot about the green’s rider. All too quickly, challenger and pursuers dwindled to specks in the sky. The riders half-ran, half-stumbled to the Lower Caverns and the chamber reserved there.

Jaxom had never witnessed a mating flight of dragons. He swallowed, trying to moisten his dry throat. He felt heart and blood thudding and a tension that he usually experienced only as he held Corana’s slender body against him. He suddenly wondered which dragon had flown Mirrim’s Path, which rider had-

...this sounds utterly terrifying. Please tell me mating flights don't turn into literal gangbangs.

K'nebel notices that even if Ruth isn't ready to fly, Jaxom is. Even a green's mating can be "unsettling". Jesus. And I'm reminded that dragon riders generally bond as children, so as bad as this is for a spectator, it's going to be worse for the actual participants. K'nebel tells Jaxom to give Ruth time and sends him off. He's got to get the younger riders occupied somewhere else when the green gets caught.

Okay, I'm glad there's SOMETHING for the younger riders, but this is still utterly horrifying.

Jaxom thought of the skyborne beasts. Unwillingly he thought of their riders in the inner room, linked to their dragons in an emotional struggle that was resolved in a strengthening and fusing of the links between dragons and riders. Jaxom thought of Mirrim. And of Corana.

You keep your mind away from Mirrim, you douchebag. Though I like how he dislikes her until he's horny. And Corana deserves better than this. And:

With a groan, he sprang on Ruth’s neck, fleeing the emotional atmosphere of Fort Weyr, trying to flee from his sudden realization of what he had probably always known about riders but had only this very morning assimilated.

What on Earth is THAT supposed to mean?

So anyway, Jaxom intends to go to the lake, to "chill the torment in his mind", but Ruth has another idea: he takes him to Plateau Hold. Corana is diligently hoeing away at the creeper vine. Oh god.

Ruth achieved a landing on the narrow margin between grain and wall. Corana, recovering from surprise at his unexpected arrival, waved a welcome. Instead of rushing toward him as she usually did, she smoothed back her hair and blotted the perspiration beading her face.

“Jaxom,” she began as he strode toward her, the urgency in his loins increasing at the sight of her, “I wish you wouldn’t-“

He silenced her half-teasing scold with a kiss, felt something hard clout him along his side. Pinning her against him with his right arm, he found the offending hoe with his left hand. Wrenching it from her grasp, he spun it away from them. Corana wriggled to get free, as unprepared for this mood in him as he was. He held her closer, trying to temper the pressures rising within him until she could respond. She smelled of the earth and her own sweat. Her hair, covering his face as he kissed her throat and breast, also smelled of sun and sweat, and the odors excited him further. Somewhere in the back of his mind was a green dragon, shrieking her defiance. Somewhere, too close to his need, was that vision of dragonriders in an inner room, waiting, with an excitement that matched his own, waiting until the green dragon had been captured by the fastest, the strongest or the smartest of her pursuers. But it was Corana he was holding in his arms, and Corana who was beginning to respond to his need. They were on the warm ground, the dampness of earth she had just hoed soft under his elbows and knees. The sun was warm on his buttocks as he tried to erase the memory of those riders half-stumbling toward the inner room, and the mocking taunt of a green dragon in flight. He did not resist or deny Ruth’s familiar beloved touch as his orgasm released the turmoil of body and mind.

...yay, Jaxom is a rapist too.

Well, to be fair, he's under the influence of the mating flight. So his circumstances are more like F'lar's than F'nor's. But I'm still pretty appalled. It might be salvageable, though, depending on how Corana feels about the whole thing.

...which is why the next paragraph tells us that Jaxom can't bring himself to go to weyrling practice the next morning. Because Corana's emotions apparently don't fucking matter. When he leaves the hold and goes to the lake, where he scrubs himself and Ruth, Ruth asks what's wrong:

“I love you, Ruth. You are mine. I love you,” Jaxom said, wanting with all his heart to be able to add, with his former blithe confidence, that he would do anything in the world for his friend. “I love you!” he repeated through gritted teeth and dove from Ruth’s back as deeply as he could into the ice-cold waters of the lake.

...why wouldn't you be able to do anything in the world for Ruth? I mean, obviously, Ruth made a mistake by taking you to Plateau Hold. But how does that translate to not being able to do anything for Ruth? And are you not even going to spare a THOUGHT for Corana here?

So anyway, Ruth thinks he might be hungry, so they fly to the Southern Holding. Jaxom is an idiot who doesn't dry himself off after his bath, so going between is a bad idea. He's going to catch a distressingly uncomfortable head cold from that stupidity.

Okay, complaints aside, I do rather like this. It's a nice look at what the mating flights and impulses actually do to people. And because Jaxom wasn't raised in this warped culture, he isn't actually okay with it. His behavior under the influence is not something he would normally do.

If he even once mentioned Corana, I'd support him. But even now, he doesn't seem to be thinking of her as a person.

I spoke too soon, because the next paragraph actually does involve his thoughts about Corana:

Ruth hunted with his usual dispatch. Fire-lizards, local by their band colors, arrived, apparently invited by the white dragon to share the feast. Jaxom watched, freer to think while Ruth was totally involved with hunting and eating. Jaxom was not pleased with himself. He was thoroughly disgusted and revolted by the way he had used Corana. The fact that she seemed to have matched what he had to admit was a violent lust dismayed him. Their relationship, once innocent pleasure, had somehow been sullied. He wasn’t at all certain that he cared to continue as her lover, an attitude that posed another unpleasant burden of guilt. One point in his favor, he had helped her finish the hoeing his importunity had interrupted. That way she’d not be in trouble with Fidello for shorting her task. The young grain was important. But he ought not to have taken Corana like that. Doing so was inexcusable.

...holy shit. We NEED to unpack this:

a) You raped her. YOU RAPED HER. Now granted, you weren't in your right mind, but YOU RAPED HER.

b) Self-disgust is appropriate but what the hell is this: "The fact that she seemed to have matched what he had to admit was a violent lust dismayed him".

Are you BLAMING HER for physically responding to her rape?!

c) I'm sorry that raping her sullied your "innocent pleasure" of treating her as a fucking blow up doll!

d) Oh, you helped her finish her work after you raped her! How great!

e) EVEN NOW. EVEN NOW. There's no thought for how Corana feels about all this! EVEN NOW!

Ruth tells Jaxom that Corana liked it very much. Apparently when Jaxom's with Corana, her emotions are very strong and like his, so Ruth can feel them too.

That's fucking convenient. So now we're absolved from ever having to think about Corana's emotions again, because she liked it.

So Jaxom decided to "air his concern" by asking Ruth if he likes what he hears from Jaxom's lovemaking. Ruth says yes, Jaxom enjoys it and it's good for him. Ruth likes when things are good for Jaxom.

...how is it that I finally feel like my sexuality is represented in this series, and it's through the fucking dragon?

Jaxom jumped to his feet, consumed by frustration and guilt. “But don’t you want it for yourself? Why are you always worried about me? Why didn’t you go fly that green?”

Here's a thought, Jaxom. Maybe this isn't actually your business?

Ruth doesn't see why he should fly the green. Blues and browns, and occasionally a bronze, will fly greens.

“You could have flown her. You could have flown her, Ruth!”

I did not wish to. You are upset again. I have upset you. Ruth extended his neck, his nose gently touching Jaxom’s face in apology.

Jaxom threw his arms about Ruth’s neck, burrowing his forehead against the smooth, spicy-smelling hide, concentrating on how very much he loved his Ruth, his most unusual Ruth, the only white dragon on all Pern.

Yes, I am the only white dragon there has ever been on Pern, Ruth said encouragingly, moving his body so that he could gather Jaxom closer within the circle of his foreleg. I am the white dragon. You are my rider. We are together.

“Yes,” Jaxom said, wearily admitting defeat, “we are together.”

...is it wrong that I really hate Jaxom?

I mean, look, if he were mad that Ruth took him to Corana instead of the lake when he wanted, that would make sense and be fair. Jaxom wouldn't have raped Corana if Ruth had listened. But Jaxom isn't even thinking about that. He's still obsessed with Ruth's sexuality.

He's "admitted defeat" when he admits he and his ultra special dragon are together.

I hate him so much. It's not even that he's given fucking everything. It's that he doesn't fucking appreciate ANY of this.

So anyway, Jaxom does indeed get sick. He has chills and is sneezing. He doesn't want to be caught sneezing at the hold because Deelan will foist medicine on him. I'm reminded that Deelan is supposed to be Jaxom's foster mother, of a sort. And that he has never said one good or positive thing about her.

Anyway, Jaxom pretends he's doing something for Robinton so he can avoid the evening meal. He hopes he stops sneezing by evening, since Lytol is sure to come by.

Dude, you're a grown man. Take the fucking medicine.

Anyway, Jaxom decides that he needs to show something of the day's work to Lytol, so he makes a sketch of D'ram's cave. It's surprisingly easy, since Master Bendarek has developed soft carbon sticks to use on paper leaves. Yay! Progress!

Lytol indeed comes in. He asks if Ruth ate, because N'ton sent word to remind Jaxom that Thread falls to the North, and Jaxom's allowed to fly with them. Even though he fucking shouldn't be.

Lytol is awesome, and has noticed that Jaxom wasn't at training. He asks if Jaxom completed his training.

“Well, you might say that I’ve learned about all I’d need to know since I’m now to fly regularly with a fighting wing. I’ve done this sketch of D’ram’s cove. That’s where we found him. Isn’t it beautiful?” He offered the leaf to Lytol.

I wonder what K'nebel thinks of that. But then Jaxom gets everything he wants anyway.

Lytol actually is REALLY into the sketch. Gratifyingly. He thinks the mountain is possibly the largest volcano on Pern and calls it magnificent. And this is actually very sweet:

With a noticeable reluctance, Lytol replaced the leaf on Jaxom’s table.

“The drawing is a poor image of the real place,” he said to his guardian, letting his voice end on an upward note. It wasn’t the first time Jaxom regretted Lytol’s aversion to riding on dragonback for any but the most vital excursions.

Lytol favored Jaxom with a brief smile, shaking his head. “It is good enough to guide a dragon, I’m sure. But do remember to tell me when you’ve the notion to return there.”

Oh, Lytol.

Jaxom feels a bit unsettled after Lytol leaves, wondering if Lytol had given him oblique permission to go back. Maybe after Thread. Ruth also thinks he'd like to swim off the firestone stench at the cove.

Jaxom thinks that they could also learn more about the men from the fire-lizards. And that F'lar and Lessa never forbade him to go back. Now he can do Robinton a favor, and even look for a clutch of eggs!

So the Thread is scheduled for the next morning, and Jaxom's not feeling all that great. He regrets his past carelessness. He dresses in warm clothing and exchanges a gesture and salute with Lytol. Aw.

So they fly! And Jaxom is miserable. I feel like the Weyr probably has a method for dealing with sick riders, but of course rules don't apply to Jaxom. He thinks that if this wasn't supposed to be his very first time fighting Thread, he'd have hesitated. But he convinces himself that since the weyrlings would undoubtedly be flying after the others, he might be able to avoid going between at all.

Right, because having a disorienting illness while mentally bonded with a dragon, and taking part in team activity that relies on everyone acting in concert in a very hazardous activity is a brilliant idea.

N’ton and Lioth appeared on the Star Stones, Lioth bugling for silence as the Weyrleader raised his arm. Fort’s four queens flanked the big bronze, larger than he but, in Jaxom’s eyes, only enhancing his magnificence with their brilliance. Dragons on all weyr ledges listened to Lioth’s silent orders and then the wings formed. Jaxom needlessly tested the fighting straps that held him securely to his ridge seat on Ruth’s neck.

I do like this bit, but I am annoyed at how the women never seem to have prominence in the Weyr. Except Lessa of course. They're just there to decide the leader through who fucks them.

So anyway, OF COURSE, Jaxom and Ruth get special treatment. They get to fly with the Queen's wing. To his credit, Jaxom hesitates, but gets a nod from the Weyrling Master.

As Ruth landed neatly on the left-hand side of Selianth, the youngest Fort queen, Jaxom wondered if he looked as silly as he felt, dwarfed by the golden dragon.

For fucking sake, dude. You have a dragon. You're fighting thread. You are getting everything you fucking wanted.

So they take off. And of course, they fly between to fight. Selianth wants Ruth to stay above her, so the flamethrower won't get him. Interestingly, his mental tone is muffled while he retains fire-breath.

And actually this whole bit is interesting. We never actually got detailed accounts of Thread fighting in Dragonflight and Dragonquest. We can appreciate the tactics involved a bit more now.

And of COURSE, as soon as combat is done, Jaxom starts doing very badly:

The exhilaration of combat drained from Jaxom and his physical discomfort began to manifest itself. His head felt twice its proper size, his eyes were unaccountably filled with grit and ached hotly. His chest felt tighter, his throat raw. The illness had a good hold on him now. He’d been a fool to fight Thread. To compound his miseries, he didn’t even have any sense of personal achievement after four hours of bloody hard work. He was thoroughly depressed. He earnestly wished that he and Ruth could retire now but he had made such an issue of flying with the fighting wings that he must complete the exercise. Dutifully he continued on above the queens.

I mean, look, I've been sick, so I get that it sucks. I WANT to sympathize with Jaxom. But his whining about a lack of personal achievement aggravates me. This isn't about personal gain, it's about saving the world. You wanted to do it. You got to do it. Now it's not enough.

And even now:

The big queen says we must go, Ruth said suddenly, before the ground crews see us.

Jaxom glanced down at Margatta and saw her signal of dismissal. He could not suppress the sense of injury that gesture gave him. He hadn’t expected a round of cheers but he did think that he and Ruth had acquitted themselves well enough to rate some indication of approval. Had they done something wrong? He could not think with his head hot and aching. But he obeyed, directing Ruth to change flight to the Hold when he saw Selianth rise toward him. Prilla gave her right fist the pumping motion that signaled well done and thanks. Her recognition reduced his grievance.

I hate him so much. Do you want special treatment or not? I don't see anyone ELSE getting signals of approval. What about all the greens, blues, browns, and bronzes? What about the other weyrlings, who didn't get this prestigious position?

Anyway, Jaxom does praise Ruth, and they head back to Ruatha. He sees his cove sketch and thinks longingly of the hot sun. They decide to go. It'll be hours before Lytol returns to the Hold, so he can't tell him about his intent. But he'll go and come back.

Yeah, this couldn't possibly go wrong. Poor Lytol. He does write a note though. And he tells the cook where he's going. And mercifully, the chapter ends.

Comments

[copperfyre]

I HAAAATE JAXOM SO MUUUUUCH