Eragon: Self-published edition: Chapter Three (Part One)

[pangolin20]

Hi everyone, and welcome to chapter three of the comparison, Dragon Tales! This chapter is longer than the previous one, though it won’t be as heavily edited.

 

 

The chapter begins much the same way, with Eragon getting out of bed and describing the items on his shelf. There are two changes:

1) Where the Knopf edition says “rocks that had broken to reveal shiny interiors”, this one says “rocks that had broken to reveal a shiny interior”.

2) This edition inserts a comma into the sentence about the twisted root, like this: “His favorite item was a root, so convoluted he never tired of looking at it.” I’ll give it a collective point and go on.

Thanks for Changing: 129

There’s the same thought montage as before, with some changes. First, I’ll show the changes, then I’ll comment on them.

It was near this very hour, sixteen years ago, that his mother, Selena, had come home to Carvahall alone and pregnant. She had been gone for six years, living in the cities. When she returned, she wore expensive clothes, and her hair was bound by a net of pearls. She had sought out her brother, Garrow, and asked to stay with him until the baby arrived. Within five months her son was born. Everyone was shocked when Selena tearfully begged Garrow and Marian to raise him. When they asked why, she only wept and said, “I must.” Her pleas had grown increasingly desperate until they finally agreed. She named him Eragon, then departed early the next morning and never returned. K

 

It was near this very hour, fifteen years ago, that his mother Selena had arrived at Carvahall, alone and pregnant. She had been gone for five years, living in the cities. When she returned she wore expensive clothes and her hair was bound by a net of pearls. She had sought out Garrow, her brother, and asked to stay with him until the baby arrived. He allowed it, and within five months Eragon was born. Everyone was shocked when Selena had tearfully begged Garrow and Marian to raise him. When they asked why, she only wept and said, “I must.” Her pleas had grown increasingly desperate until they finally agreed. She named him Eragon, then departed early the next morning and never returned. S

1) The first sentence in this edition has an obvious continuity flaw: if Selena had arrived fifteen years ago, he should be fourteen now.

S Continuity Fluidity: +9

Thanks for Changing: 130

2) The commas around Selena do help to make this better readable.

Thanks for Changing: 131

3) And I do like “come home to” better than “arrived at”, because we then know that this was Selena’s home.

Thanks for Changing: 132

4) I also like the change of five to six years, as that means there’s more time for everything that happened in that timespan to have happened.

Thanks for Changing: 133

5) I like that there are commas in the next sentence. It’s a bit easier to read.

Thanks for Changing: 134

6) I can’t help but bristle at the “He allowed it” bit. So what, does only Garrow’s opinion matter, and not Marian’s?

S No-Wave Feminism: +2

Thanks for Changing: 135

7) I like that the Knopf edition substitutes “her son” for “Eragon”. He wasn’t named that at the time, after all.

Thanks for Changing: 136

8) I also like that the Knopf edition deletes the “had” before “tearfully begged”, because otherwise, it breaks the tense.

Thanks for Changing: 137

We get a repeat again. He still remembers how he felt when Marian told him so, the revelation disturbed him, and permanent things were thrown into question. This edition adds “For a long time he had not been able to reconcile himself to the facts and understand that nothing had changed.” I don’t really like this. This sounds like Eragon didn’t have a valid reason to be upset about being adopted, which he is certainly allowed to be.

Thanks for Changing: 138

He has learned to live with it, but he has a nagging suspicion that he wasn’t good enough. He’s sure there’s a good reason for it, but he doesn’t know what. Something else bothers him, namely who his father is. This edition adds that it bothers him “from time to time”. Selena didn’t tell anyone, and no one has come looking for him. He wishes who it is, so he can know his heritage. This edition phrases it as “his own heritage”, which seems a bit superfluous.

Thanks for Changing: 139

He goes to the nightstand, and this edition adds “Garrow and Marian had brought him up as their own, but Roran was their son, not him.” Oh, and why? Because bloodlines? On its own I wouldn’t mind this, but given the prevalence of this elsewhere in this series, I don’t like this line.

Thanks for Changing: 140

Of course, it’s fine if he doesn’t view himself like that, but I don’t like the implication that it’s dictated by their genetic relations, rather than being a choice that’s been made.

This edition adds that he puts his hands into “a basin of water” and splashes his face with it. Once he’s done, he dries his hands and face on a rag. That’s quite more intelligible than him splashing his face without any indication as to where the water comes from.

In Spite of a Nail: 72

This edition inserts a paragraph break here. He puts the egg on the shelf, and this edition notes that he “clears a place” on them. He looks at it for a bit, and goes to see his family. Garrow and Roran are there, eating chicken.

You Missed a Spot: 27

Eragon greets them, and Roran stands up. Remember when I complained about the lack of physical description? This edition is about to show us.

Roran’s clothes were like Eragon’s, but of darker shades.

Which works especially well when we don’t know what Eragon’s clothes look like.

Tough leather boots were laced tightly on his legs, and a leather belt wrapped around his waist. He was muscular, sturdy, and careful with his movements.

The first sentence doesn’t add much, and the second one was kept in the Knopf edition.

Topping his manly figure was a boy’s face, unlined, but with a sculpted jaw.

Egads, this is clunky. And what does his “sculpted jaw” look like?

Under his sandy hair were two clear eyes the color of the sea.

Oh, good to know. I’ve always imagined him with darker hair. At the risk of being pedantic, I have to say that “the color of the sea” is not a very specific descriptor. His eyes might as well be pale green, or brownish.

He was not, in Eragon’s private opinion, as handsome as he was, but Roran did have an honest charm that Eragon envied at times.

No, you’re totally not jealous, so you totally don’t feel the need to put down his looks. You’re also totally not giving off “jealous boyfriend” vibes. Gotta laugh at “honest charm”, by the way, since I know how he’ll develop in the later books.

Ok, to be fair, this does make some sense, given that Eragon doesn’t have much success at his romantic adventures.

~~~

Roran was two years older than Eragon, but the difference was slight. They had been together for as long as Eragon could remember.

Well, duh. They were raised together, after all.

Though they were not real brothers, blood ties could not have brought them any closer.

Again with the insistence on blood ties! Also, this sentence appears in reworked form in the Knopf edition.

They did most everything together, whether it was fighting, playing, or mourning.

S Forgot the Narrator: +1

Thanks for Changing: 141

Well, thanks for telling us this. We won’t get a chance to see it, after all. Also, when do they do those things? Playing, I can see, but fighting? When? And who did they mourn and when? No answers.

S Missing Puzzle Pieces: +1

And that’s the new stuff. It adds very little, in my opinion, and it’s been rightly cut.

Thanks for Changing: 142

Roran says he’s glad that Eragon’s back, and asks how the trip went. Eragon says “hard”, and this edition notes he does so “wryly”. Here’s another comparison:

“Did Uncle tell you what happened?” He helped himself to a piece of chicken, which he devoured hungrily. K

 

“Did Uncle tell you what happened?” He helped himself to a piece of chicken. It was colder than we expected, but he hungrily devoured it and reached for another piece. S

 

Well, for one the sentence has been nicely cut down.

 

Thanks for Changing: 143

 

And here we have the explanation for the capitalised “Uncle” here. It’s the inconsistent capitalisation from the Knopf edition, that wasn’t corrected here.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +10

You Missed a Spot: 28

 

Roran says no, and Eragon tells the story. This edition splits the sentence. Eragon gets the egg out when Roran wants to see it, and Roran is awed. This edition adds that “Eragon started to recount his adventures in greater detail”, which the Knopf edition condenses into “soon”.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 73 (the self-published edition makes more sense here)

 

Roran asks if Eragon could talk to Katrina, and Eragon says no, because after the argument with Sloan, there was no opportunity. This edition inserts this: “Roran clenched his fists in frustration.”

 

S Paoclichés: +3

 

But seriously, what is this?? Yes, it sucks that the message didn’t come through, but that doesn’t warrant such a reaction. And what should Eragon have done, then? Should he have tracked down Katrina, and risked escalating it further? And notice how Roran immediately seems prepared to react with violence.

 

S Murdered By the Convocation: +1

Thanks for Changing: 144

 

It does make for a nice preview of what will become of him, though.

 

Eragon says that she’ll expect him when the traders come. This edition inserts a comma after the “but” that begins this sentence.

 

Thanks for Changing: 145

 

He says he gave it to Horst. Roran is incredulous and uses the same simile about smoke signals that still feels out of place.

 

You Missed a Spot: 29

 

Eragon assures him that Horst will be discreet. Here comes a substitution. The Knopf edition has “Roran seemed unconvinced, but argued no more.” This one has “Roran was still displeased, but let his temper subside.” The Knopf edition is decidedly better here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 146

 

They go to eat, while Garrow kind of is there.

 

Just Gonna Stand There: +3

 

When they’re finished, they go to work in the fields. This edition changes “all three” to “the three of them”.

 

The sun is cold and pale, and this edition says that it “giv[es] them” little comfort, instead of “providing” little comfort. They store the last of the barley, “corn” in this edition.

 

Thanks for Changing: 147

 

They gather all kinds of vegetables, and there are two changes: 1) “prickly vined” is written with a hyphen here, and 2) they gather “potatoes” instead of “rutabagas”. Another nice localisation change, as potatoes are a New World crop.

 

Thanks for Changing: 148

 

Not that it will stop them from appearing in chapter 26, but that is a long way off.

 

The harvest is done, and some days go by. Nine days after Eragon arrives, a “blizzard” settles on the valley.

 

You Missed a Spot: 30

 

It’s snowing heavily. Here is a comparison:

 

They only dared leave the house for firewood and to feed the animals, for they feared getting lost in the howling wind and featureless landscape. K

 

The storm was so fierce they only dared leave the house for firewood and to feed the animals, fearing to get lost in the howling wind and featureless landscape. S

 

Not for points, just because I couldn’t describe this well enough.

 

They’re huddling inside, and this edition adds “Eragon stayed busy to keep his mind occupied, but after three days of inactivity he felt like screaming.” Um, what? We’ll never get an indication that he can’t stand “inactivity”, and there’s no build-up to this, so this is really weird and out of place.

 

Thanks for Changing: 149

 

The storm passes “two days later”, according to this edition, which “leave[s] them free” to look at the snowdrifts.

 

Ah, I think I have to adjust the calendar a bit. Oh, no I don’t, because I’d taken five days for the storm already. Lucky break! Now it’s got a more solid basis, though.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 74 (for the removal of an explicit time path)

 

In this edition, Garrow begins talking as he sees this. He says the traders might not come. They’ll wait for them some time, but if they don’t come soon, they’ll have to buy supplies “from the townspeople”. Or, as this edition puts it, “supplies people have.” The Knopf edition is clearer here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 150

 

This edition adds “Food isn’t a problem, but we don’t have enough salt and other provisions.” It also notes that Garrow’s face is resigned, but it adds that “[it] was resigned and tired as he sat in a chair.” That certainly gives more context.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 75

 

Some more new material: Eragon and Roran talk to Garrow about going to Carvahall for “information”, but they decide it’s useless, as the villagers don’t know more than they do. We’re back to canon material as days pass and they become anxious. This edition replaces “they” with “Eragon, Roran, and Garrow”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 151

 

Depression hangs over the house, and no one talks. This edition adds that “Eragon kept watch on the road when he could, but to no avail.”

 

In general, this could certainly have been left in.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 76

 

This edition now notes that a week passes “without something to give them hope.” After that, this edition gives “On the eighth day”, instead of “the eighth morning”, and it doesn’t have a comma behind it, either.

 

Thanks for Changing: 153

 

Anyway, Roran goes to check and the traders have not yet been there. They’re scrounging for things they can sell, and this edition adds “including the stone.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +16

Thanks for Changing: 154

 

This inclusion is quite unnecessary either way, because Garrow has already decided to sell the egg. This makes it look like they forgot about it, and only just found out it was still there.

 

Thanks for Changing: 155

 

Eragon checks the road again, and he sees ruts in the snow, along with hoofprints. Only this edition says he sees “horse prints”. That… is a quite strange expression, I must say.

 

S PPP: +8

Thanks for Changing: 156

 

Eragon runs back to the house, and there’s a time skip.

 

They pack their stuff into the wagon “before sunrise”. Garrow puts his money in a pouch on his belt. Eragon puts the egg between bags of grain so it won’t roll. This edition has “some bags” instead of “bags of grain” for some reason. They take a hasty breakfast, than harness the horses and clear a path to the road. The Knopf edition moves this sentence to the next paragraph, and I agree, because else that paragraph would be very tiny.

 

Thanks for Changing: 157

 

And that paragraph would be tiny because, again, things have been cut:

 

Roran and Garrow got onto the wagon’s seat while Eragon nestled in the back, burying himself under the bags to stay warm. The sun rose swiftly over the mountains, reflecting light off the snow that lay heavily on the landscape.

 

Nice scenery.

 

Eragon and his cousin wrapped scarves around their heads to reduce the glare. Garrow went bareheaded, his eyes black slits from squinting.

 

Of course. Because who cares if he’s blinded, Garrow has to prove his a “real man” and do this without “help”. Better to suffer unnecessarily and potentially crash the wagon than appear weak, after all. /s

 

Bullyay: +1 (this count because I can accept this as happening offscreen in canon, and it’s completely consistent with what we’ve seen)

Thanks of Changing: 158

 

Overall, I wouldn’t have cut this.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 77

 

They can ride easier, because the traders broke the drifts, but this edition adds that “they still got stuck a few times.” By noon, they can see Carvahall. We’re told that “by daylight”, it’s an earthy village with “shouts and laughter”. This edition adds more information:

 

Perhaps three hundred people lived in Carvahall, most of them farmers.

 

That would be nice to know earlier than chapter 29 of Eldest!

 

In Spite of a Nail: 78

 

In spite of being nearly decimated when war, famine, or plague swept through Palancar Valley, the people of Carvahall preferred to grit their teeth and bear the hardship than to leave.

 

1) War, famine, or plague? The last two I can see, but war? When would that have happened? The last time I can think of is during the Fall of the Riders, a hundred years ago.

 

2) The second part of the sentence bugs me. It sounds more like “they’re living here as a punishment, and they’re too proud to admit defeat and leave” and less like “they want to keep living here, so they bear what comes rather than leave”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 159

 

This edition inserts a paragraph break. We get a description of the traders’ camp. This mentions “troubadours”.

 

 

This edition adds this to the next paragraph: “The wagon clattered into town. The street was clogged with activity. People darted out of buildings, carrying things to sell, while others reversed the tide, taking recent purchases into the safety of their homes.” Little to say here, except that the original was as disjointed as the Knopf version.

 

Here’s a comparison:

 

Crowds churned around a line of bright tents and booths clogging the main street. K

 

Crowds clustered around a line of bright tents and booths in the main street. S

 

No problem with “churned” instead of “clustered”. I do have a problem with the other change, because it makes little sense for the booths to “clog” the main street. After all, getting to them would be very hard. It made more sense when the streets were clogged with people.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 79

 

We get more description, and apparently snow can still turn into solid ice when people walk on it.

 

You Missed a Spot: 31

 

This edition adds: “If the day grew warmer, the street would turn into a muddy froth, a bane to any woman’s dress.” But men’s dresses, for example, will be perfectly fine! Yeah, not much lost here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 160

 

We finish the description off, and here’s another comparison:

 

Garrow parked the wagon and picketed the horses, then drew coins from his pouch. K

 

Garrow parked the wagon near the edge of town and picketed the horses. He took coins from his pouch and handed them to the boys. S

 

Well, this is a good condensation, for once.

 

Thanks for Changing: 161

 

Garrow tells them to get themselves some treats. Roran has to be back for supper at Horst’s, and Eragon has to come along. Roran leaves immediately, and Garrow goes into the crowd, shouldering people aside. Ass. Another comparison:

 

Women were buying cloth, while nearby their husbands examined a new latch, hook, or tool. K

 

There were women buying cloth, while nearby their husbands examined a new latch or hook. S

 

I do like the addition of “tools” to the list.

 

Thanks for Changing: 162

 

There are children running around, and we get a description of the wares. Eragon sees the traders are less prosperous, and there are quite some changes:

 

Their children had a frightened, wary look, and their clothes were patched. The gaunt men

carried swords and daggers with a new familiarity, and even the women had poniards

belted at their waists. K

 

Holes were evident in their patched clothes. Their children has a frightened, wary look. Faces were gaunt, and many of them bore fresh scars. The men carried swords and daggers, and displayed a new familiarity with the weapons. Even the women hand poniards or short knives belted at their waists. S

 

I’ll give the Knopf edition kudos for better structure, and the self-published one kudos for having more information.

In Spite of a Nail: 80

Thanks for Changing: 163

 

Eragon wonders what could have happened to them. He remembers them as being full of good cheer, which this edition changes to “full of laughter and energy.” Garrow is searching for Merlock.

 

You Missed a Spot: 32

 

We’re told he specialises in trinkets and jewellery, and this edition notes that “some of them [are] quite valuable.” It also notes that “Eragon enjoyed talking with him each year.” A nice bit of characterisation. Pity it was cut.

 

Thanks for Changing: 164

 

They find him behind a booth, where he’d displaying “broaches” (with O-A), as this edition spells it, to a group of women. I think the respelling to “brooches” (with O-O) is quite better.

 

Thanks for Changing: 165

 

He’s selling jewellery to the women. Eragon gives his description (he has a goatee, “holds himself with ease”, and looks down on the world). The Knopf edition has this: “The excited group prevented Garrow and Eragon from getting near the trader, so they settled on a step and waited. As soon as Merlock was unoccupied, they hurried over.” But this edition has an entire scene here. Let’s look.

 

The excited women prevented Garrow and Eragon from getting near the trader, so they sat on a step and waited.

 

This has got two changes: 1) “women” instead of “group”, and 2) “sat” instead of “settled”. No problem here.

 

Eragon’s interest was aroused by the pattern the women followed before buying. First, they quickly looked at all the jewelry and picked the item they favored most.

 

Yes, a very entertaining diversion: Eragon goes to look at how the women are shopping. This has been rightly cut, because it only keeps us from seeing Merlock.

 

Thanks for Changing: 166

 

Then they proceeded to examine the rest of the baubles in excruciating detail, constantly discussing their observations.

 

Blegh. This just feels so contemptuous, in a way like “look at them taking so long. You know how women are”. And “excruciating detail”. Like it’s just so strange that they want to see the other options.

 

S No-Wave Feminism: +3

Thanks for Changing: 167

 

When the interminable inspection was finished, to his amazement they usually bought the original object.

 

What’s wrong with that, Eragon? It’s because they’re women, isn’t it?

 

S No-Wave Feminism: +4

Thanks for Changing: 168

 

Even after the women made their purchases, they did not leave, but stayed to advise their friends still going through the same process.

 

How dare they bond with their friends over this, after all.

 

S No-Wave Feminism: +5

Thanks for Changing: 169

 

He grew impatient; there was still much to do and the day was getting old. He said out of the corner of his mouth, “If this keeps up, we’ll be lucky to see him before dark.”

 

1) Oh, is the day getting old? I can check that. I’ve set the north edge of the map at 34°15′. From the north edge to the dot representing Carvahall, it’s 2,4 centimetres, which corresponds to 120 miles (193,1213 kilometres). Let me use my math magic:

 

θ = (180L / πr).

 

L = (3879,99 - 193,1213) = 3686,8687 km

 

r = 6371 km

 

Inserting this gives θ = 33,1568° = 33°9′25″.

 

Now for the time of daylight. This calculator tells me that there’s 10 hours and 50 minutes of sunlight at this latitude on the 31^st of October. Of course, there will be shorter light because of the mountains, but still. If they arrived in Carvahall in noon, that means, as an aside, that they took some five hours to get there, for an average speed of 2 miles an hour (3,2 kilometres an hour). I love I can calculate that.

 

Back on track, that means that they have some 4.5 hours (accounting for the mountains; this is a rough guess, of course) before the sun is blocked by the mountains. If the days is “getting old”, I’d think there’s approximately 1.5 to 1 hours of sunlight left. So unless they’ve been sitting there for three hours straight, I think it very unlikely that this is true. And that also doesn’t account for all the things Eragon will do in this chapter before sunset.

 

So this is false.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +11

Thanks for Changing: 170

 

2) I really hate the implication that they’ll miss Morlock specifically because of these women taking their time with reviewing wares.

 

S No-Wave Feminism: +6

Thanks for Changing: 171

 

~~~

“We can wait,” stated Garrow. “If I can get money from that stone, I want to do it now. My bartering can be done tomorrow if it gets too late.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +17

Thanks for Changing: 172

 

Oh, they’ll stay in town for multiple days? I guess it’s logical, but I hadn’t really thought about it.

 

~~~

 

“All right,” said Eragon and settled into a more comfortable position. After a while the women started drifting away in clumps of two or three.

 

And that was that. I’m quite glad it was cut.

 

Back to canon. They approach Sherlock, and the Knopf edition uses “they” instead of “Garrow and Eragon”, because otherwise, the latter would have occurred twice in the same paragraph.

 

Thanks for Changing: 173

 

Sherlock asks what he can get for them, and he pulls out a silver rose. Eragon looks at it, and this edition adds that “[he] wish[es] he could buy it.” Sherlock says it’s come from Belatona. Garrow says they’re there to sell, and Morlock covers up the rose. This edition merges the dialogue tag of Garrow talking with the sentence of him talking.

 

He says they can trade with him. Eragon and Garrow stand uncomfortably, and Morlock asks if they brought the object of consideration. This edition adds “is it here with you?”.

 

Garrow says that they have, but he’d rather show it elsewhere. Sherlock invites them to his tent, and this edition again merges the sentences.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 81 (having these sentences as dialogue tags goes a bit smoother)

 

He puts his wares in a chest, and ushers them up the street and into the camp. This edition adds “out of town” as a step. They go to a tent that’s removed from the other ones. Or, as this edition puts it, “a tent removed from the rest of the traders.” Quite sure there needs to be an apostrophe after that, because the tent is not a trader.

 

S PPP: +9

Thanks for Changing: 174 (because the Knopf edition inserts that apostrophe)

 

We get a description of the tent, and Sherlock opens the tent flap. This edition adds “letting them enter.” Here’s a comparison:

 

Small trinkets and strange pieces of furniture, such as a round bed and three seats carved

from tree stumps, filled the tent. A gnarled dagger with a ruby in the pommel rested on a

white cushion. K

 

The tent resembled a small room—only it had cloth walls—filled with small trinkets and strange pieces of furniture. There was a round bed and three seats carved from tree stumps. A gnarled dagger with a ruby in the pommel rested on a white cushion. S

 

I like the Knopf version better here. It’s more cohesive, and we don’t have the observation of “the tent is like a room with cloth walls”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 175

 

The tree stump chairs are still bizarre, though.

 

You Missed a Spot: 33

 

Sherlock tells them to be seated, and we get new material:

 

As they did, he addressed Garrow, “Your son’s face is familiar, but I can’t remember when we met.”

 

So, actual followthrough on this! I also note that Sherlock calls Eragon Garrow’s son. So much for the bloodlines being the most important.

 

~~~

 

Eragon spoke hastily, “I’m Eragon; this is my Uncle Garrow. I asked you questions about jewelry last year.”

 

1) Why does he “speak hastily”? Is it because he doesn’t want Garrow to talk over him? Because that’s the best reason I can think of.

 

2) Again with the capitalised “uncle”.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +12

Thanks for Changing: 176

 

3) It just said that Eragon talks with him “each year”. Why doesn’t Eragon say that instead of “last year”? I think that would help Sherlock’s memory better.

 

~~~

Merlock looked puzzled, then he brightened. “That’s right…. Eragon. The year has given you some height and width.”

 

“So I am told,” said Eragon, pleased that he had been remembered.

 

Nothing to say here except “nice interaction”. Pity it was cut.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 82

 

The Knopf edition replaces this with “When they had”. Sherlock asks why they’re meeting, Eragon puts the egg on table, Sherlock reaches for it, and asks permission. Permission given, he picks it up, and takes all kinds of measures. Once he’s done, he asks if Eragon and Garrow know what it’s worth. Garrow says no, Sherlock says he doesn’t either. This edition adds: “Disappointment settled over Eragon’s anticipation.” That’s why we never saw his anticipation. Also, this description is quite clunky.

 

Thanks for Changing: 177

 

Here’s a comparison:

 

But I can tell you this much: the white veins are the same material as the blue that surrounds them, only a different color. What that material might be, though, I haven’t a clue. It’s harder than any rock I have seen, harder even than diamond. Whoever shaped it used tools I have never seen—or magic. Also, it’s hollow.” K

 

“But,” continued Merlock, “I can tell you this much: the white veins are the same material as the blue that surrounds them, only different colors. But what that material might be, I haven’t a clue. It’s harder than any rock I have seen, harder even than diamond. Whoever shaped it used tools I have never seen before, or magic. Also, it’s hollow.” S

 

1) I don’t mind the deletion of the dialogue tag here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 178

 

2) I like “a different color” more than “different colors” here. The latter construction would fit better with “the white veins and the blue that surrounds them are the same material”, to my taste.

 

Thanks for Changing: 179

 

3) I prefer the comma to the em-dash in the last sentence.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 83

 

Now, let’s see Garrow’s reaction. In the Knopf edition, it’s this: “What?” exclaimed Garrow.

 

This edition keeps this reaction, but has the speech tag as “interrupted”, which makes little sense, because Sherlock just got done speaking. It also adds: “How could that be? You couldn’t get anything inside it, even if it were hollow.”

 

And why can’t you get anything inside it? Not even with magic? Also, what in the world does whether you can get something inside it have to do with whether it’s hollow? You’re not making much sense, Garrow.

 

Thanks for Changing: 180

 

“An irritated edge [creeps] into Merlock’s voice”, and that reaction makes much more sense after what Garrow said here, as does his demonstration of the egg being hollow. After all, Garrow implied that Sherlock couldn’t determine if that was true.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 84

 

Sherlock slaps the egg with the dagger. Eragon is alarmed, and according to this edition also “indignant”, because he’s afraid the egg may have been “harmed”, according to this edition. Sherlock tilts the egg towards them, and this edition adds “so they could see where had struck it.” Gee, thanks for explaining.

 

S Thanks for Explaining: +5

Thanks for Changing: 181

 

Sherlock says that they’ll find no scratches on it, and he doubts that he can damage it in any way. Garrow crosses his arms “with a reserved expression.” This edition adds that he first “with[draws] from the conversation.”

 

Eragon has a think, and he decides that he knew the egg appeared in the Spine via magic, which makes much more sense with the two thinking sessions from earlier.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 85

 

He asks what it’s worth, which he already knew.

 

You Missed a Spot: 34

 

Sherlock says he can’t say that. If Eragon wants to find a buyer, he should go to the southern cities. Garrow asks if Sherlock will buy it. Sherlock says he won’t, because it’s not worth the risk. This edition adds an extra “No” to the beginning of the sentence. Even if he sold it, Garrow would only get paid next year. He says he’s curious, and asks why they asked to meet him in private. This edition merges those two sentences. And the Knopf edition kept the three ellipses it uses for a word-internal ellipses.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 86

PPP: +1

 

Eragon puts the egg away, and says it’s because he found it in the Spine, and the people around there don’t like it. Sherlock is startled and asks if Eragon knows why they were late. The Knopf edition reads “Eragon shook his head.”

 

This edition reads “Disappointed by Merlock’s refusal to buy the stone, Garrow said curtly, “No.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +18

Thanks for Changing: 182

 

Other than that, I have to say: shut up, Garrow. Morlock addressed Eragon, not you. You have no business cutting in like this.

 

Thanks for Changing: 183 (I think it’s obvious why)

 

Morlock explains that there’s chaos in Alagaësia, and Urgals migrating and the like. Eragon asks why they haven’t heard of it, and Morlock explains that it’s just begun, and villages are starving. Here’s a comparison:

 

“Nonsense,” growled Garrow. “We haven’t seen any Urgals; the only one around here

has his horns mounted in Morn’s tavern.” K

 

“Nonsense,” growled Garrow, “we haven’t seen any Urgals. The only one around here

has his horns mounted in Morn’s tavern.” S

 

The sentence division is better in the Knopf edition, as the self-published edition has an awkward comma splice.

 

S PPP: +10

Thanks for Changing: 184

 

The Urgal horns also make more sense with the added context.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 87

 

Morlock says that maybe that’s true, but they’re a small village. He tells them not to expect it to last. Here comes a somewhat larger comparison:

 

I only mentioned this because strange things are happening here as well if you found such a stone in the Spine.” With that sobering statement, he bid them farewell with a bow and slight smile. K

 

I only mentioned this because when you find such a stone in the Spine, strange things are happening here as well. You should be alert for anything unusual.” With that sobering statement he got up, opened the tent flap, and bid them farewell with a bow and slight smile. They exited and thanked him. S

 

1) The first sentence is much better in the Knopf edition, as the self-published one seems to be a general sentence, which is not exactly appropriate here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 185

 

2) Very generic advice you give there, Morlock. I’m sure Eragon and Garrow could have come up with that themselves.

 

3) The “sobering statement” does make some sense now. Here, it refers to the sentence about “watch out for anything unusual”. In the Knopf edition, it seems to refer to “strange things happen if you found this egg in the Spine”.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 88

 

4) I do like that the ending sentence has been severely cut down. We don’t need to have all of that detail.

 

Thanks for Changing: 186

 

Garrow goes back to Carvahall with Eragon, and the latter asks what Garrow thinks. In the Knopf edition, he says that he’ll “get more information”. Here, he says he’ll “ask some questions”. I’ll take the Knopf version.

 

Thanks for Changing: 187

 

Garrow tells him to take the egg back to the wagon, and then Eragon can do what he wants. The Knopf edition ends with Garrow telling Eragon to meet him at Horst’s for dinner. This edition goes a bit differently:

 

They stop before a booth “much larger than Morlock’s”, that’s attended by “a man wrapped in a light cloak.” Eragon asks if Garrow is sure he doesn’t need Eragon to carry something. Garrow says he’s sure, and Eragon leaves.

 

That goes considerably smoother in the Knopf edition. There, at least, I don’t have the idea that Eragon just runs away in the middle of the conversation.

 

Thanks for Changing: 188

 

Eragon dodges through the crowd to the wagon, and hides the egg under the bags. This edition adds “in the wagon”, which is quite redundant.

 

Thanks for Changing: 189

 

He goes along the booths, looking at the goods with a “buyer’s eye”, despite having little coins. This edition puts it as “even though his meager supply of coins would only allow him to purchase the cheapest items.”

 

Thanks for Changing: 190 (this is where to cut down. Or maybe just cut the prologue)

 

He talks with the traders and gets the same message as from Morlock: “last year’s security has deserted us; new dangers have appeared, and nothing is safe.” The comma has been added in the Knopf edition.

 

Thanks for Changing: 191

 

He gets malt candy and a cherry pie, which feels good because it’s hot. He goes to sit on the edge of a porch and “nibbles” on the malt candy. A comparison:

 

Two boys from Carvahall wrestled nearby, but he felt no inclination to join them. K

 

Two boys from Carvahall played nearby, Dorn and Perrin, but he felt no inclination to join them. S

 

No problem with the change from “playing” to “wrestling”, though I wonder why. And here the boys have names. No, we will never see them again, so I’ve got no problem with this mention being cut.

 

Thanks for Changing: 192

 

It becomes late afternoon, and the traders invade people’s houses. Comparison time:

 

Eragon was impatient for evening, when the troubadours would come out to tell stories and perform tricks. He loved hearing about magic, gods, and, if they were especially lucky, the Dragon Riders. K

 

Eragon was impatient for evening when the troubadours would come out to tell stories and perform tricks. He loved hearing about magic and gods, and if they were especially lucky, the Dragon Riders. S

 

The comma in the first sentence is better.

 

Thanks for Changing: 193

 

Also, while there may be an excessive amount of commas in the Knopf edition, it’s better than having “the Dragon Riders” set off like this.

 

Thanks for Changing: 194

 

Eragon explains about Brom and how his stories get old, while the troubadours have new ones. He breaks off an icicle, and sees Sloan nearby. This edition clarifies that he’s at a “nearby booth.” Couldn’t have left that in?

 

In Spite of a Nail: 89

 

Eragon ducks and bolts around a corner. This edition adds the thought Time to go inside! He hurries towards the tavern, and, in this edition, “soon locate[s] its distinctive sign.” With that, we get a new paragraph:

 

A rotting board swung from a post that thrust out from the eaves.

 

Rotting? Was it too hard to fix it up? This doesn’t sound exactly like a great tavern to go to. I am hung up on why no one’s replaced it. As we’ll see, they have a carpenter, so I don’t see why they wouldn’t fix this, especially since it’s quite visible.

 

Missing Puzzle Pieces: +1

 

Bright yellow paint was slopped on it, along with some upright black lines, supposedly seven sheaves—it looked more like a cat had scratched the paint while it was drying.

 

So that’s why it’s called “The Seven Sheaves”! Seriously, this name suddenly appears in Eldest without any kind of explanation.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 90

 

Also, is the sign really that bad?

 

The sign hung over a massive door that had withstood scores of drunken fights. Eragon passed under the sign, a little scared, as he always was, that it would unexpectedly come loose and fall on him.

 

A quite reasonable concern, if it’s “rotting”. Again, why has no one bothered to fix this??

 

He opened the sturdy door and entered.

 

Well, that’s a nice transitional sentence.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 91

 

And that’s where I’ll cut for today.

 

Counts:

 

In Spite of a Nail: 91

Thanks for Changing: 194

You Missed a Spot: 34