Eragon: Self-published edition: Chapter Two (Part One)

[pangolin20]

Welcome to the second chapter of the Eragon comparison!

 

 

The chapter begins much the same, with the same description of the environment, including the “glorious conflagration” the sun rises with.

Eragon has breakfast and examines the charred area, and this edition notes that he does so “again”. In the Knopf edition, he sees that there’s no new details, so he goes home. This edition has an entire new paragraph put in here. Let’s look at it.

 

The morning light revealed no new details, which frustrated him.

Because of course he gets “frustrated”, another classic Paocliché.

~~~

The more he thought about it, the less likely it seemed that the stone could have appeared to him by chance.

Thanks for Changing: 25 (a Dead Herring less)

 

The Spine was vast, and there were so few people in it that even if a magician sent thousands of stones into the mountains, the odds were against anyone finding even one of them.

Thanks for Changing: 26

1) “Vast”? Measuring the Spine yields an estimate of 1,5 by 12 plus 5,5 by 0,5 centimetres, which works out to 20,75 square centimetres. As one square centimetre on the map stands for 2500 square miles, the surface is 51875 square miles, which is ~134356 km². That’s smaller than the Alps, which have a area of some 200000 km². And, going on my calculations from chapter 3, the Spine covers 4,1% of the area on the map, so I guess that it covers about 5% of Alagaësia proper. It’s not exactly small, but it isn’t vast either.

2) So there’s a quite good chance that no one would notice a single egg, but thousands of eggs going completely seems quite silly to me. Okay, there would generally be about 11,6 kilometres between them, if they’re distributed uniformly, but still, I’d say the odds are for someone finding at least one egg.

3) The Spine isn’t that empty at all! There’s lots of Urgals in it! But, as we can see here, Eragon apparently does not see them as people.

And at this point in time, Eragon’s not supposed to be wrong, yet.

His mind boggled to think of how much unexplored and hidden land there was.

Not that much, as I’ve said above. Also, the Urgals have already explored it, Eragon! This just feels decidedly colonial, as if an area only counts as known if humans have gone in and subjugated the native inhabitants. Given how much the Urgals will be based off Native Americans later on, I really don’t feel comfortable with this.

But who would want him to have the stone? And why?

Thanks for Changing: 27

Yes, there were even more dead herrings in the original. Also, this is beginning to get repetitive.

Though I like to think otherwise, I’m really not that special or important, he acknowledged wryly to himself.

My, some perspective from Eragon of all people? Say it ain’t so!

He could think of no reason why this should have happened to him, nor what he was supposed to do now.

Um, I think the plot is the reason why. And I don’t think you’re “supposed” to do anything… Also, hasn’t he decided in the previous chapter that he’s going to use it to buy food?

Thanks for Changing: 28

Besides, whatever the stone might be worth, it was just that: a beautiful stone. What could it be used for?

Thanks for Changing: 30

This is at odds with his characterisation from next chapter, where he’s gathering shiny stones. Why wouldn’t he want to take it home for that?

Thanks for Changing: 31

~~~

He wondered if his uncle or cousin would believe him when he told them how he had lost the deer.

Uh, just bring the egg. I think they’ll believe you then.

~~~

Dissatisfied by his lack of answers, he started for home.

 

And here ends the new stuff. It’s for the best it was cut. One thinking session was fine, but this one was useless, introduced no new information, had more dead herrings, was somewhat colonialist, and broke continuity.

Thanks for Changing: 32

Now for a comparison:

The rough game trail he followed was faintly worn, and in places, nonexistent. S

 

The rough game trail was faintly worn and, in places, nonexistent. K

I especially like the fucked-up sentence structure of the self-published one.

Thanks for Changing: 33 (at least some grammar flubs were caught)

 

Eragon gripes that it detours and backtracks, in an order that is reversed from the Knopf edition. He also phrases it as “backtracked on itself”, which seems somewhat redundant to me.

Thanks for Changing: 34

Eragon says that it’s the fastest way out of the mountains, and this edition deletes “still” from the sentence. I think the Knopf edition was right in inserting that word. Now we get another new paragraph!

Occasionally he saw broad slashes on tree trunks, trail markers left by enterprising hunters and trappers. He had met only two people in the mountains this month.

This is nice. We actually see the presence of the trappers, instead of being merely told of them.

In Spite of a Nail: 17

Few men would risk the Spine’s dangers for an uncertain reward, especially this far north and this late in the year.

Ah yes, so far north, at 33 degrees north latitude. Fuck it, I’ll give it this:

Thanks for Changing: 35

But being alone in the wilderness did not bother him—he had grown accustomed to it long ago. He could take care of himself.

So Garrow has let him hunt on his own like this for years?? That’s straight-up irresponsible and basically child abuse.

Look Away: +5

Garrow doesn’t get more sympathetic, let’s keep it at that.

 

Back to the comparison. The Spine is one of the only places that Galbatorix can’t call his own.

You Missed a Spot: 12 (for King Big King)

Half of his army disappeared in the Spine some time ago. This edition adds: “The mountain range had been inhospitable to the weak and unwary ever since then.”

1) So before that time, there was no danger from avalanches, rockslides, blizzards, Urgals, etc. I don’t believe a thing of that. I just think that after that, people began to pay more attention to these misfortunes.

2) So it is hospitable to the “wary and strong”, then? There’s no freak accidents? Don’t believe that either.

Thanks for Changing: 36

This edition also notes “dangerous predators” as a danger of the Spine.

1) What kind of predators, then? Wolves? Bears? Eagles?

2) We won’t exactly see this, other than a brief part in Eldest, but even then, they don’t try to attack humans.

3) If they’re such a notable feature of the Spine, why don’t we ever hear about them, then??

Thanks for Changing: 37

He repeats that there seems to be a “cloud of misfortune and bad luck” hanging over it. The trees grow tall and the sky is bright, but, as this edition adds, “tragedy could strike at any moment.” Egads, shut up! We’ll never, ever see any of this! So all these claims fall completely flat.

Thanks for Changing: 38

There’s an extra paragraph in this, and we’re back to canon. Eragon asserts that few people can stay in the Spine without having an accident. He’s one of them because he’s vigilant and has sharp reflexes. He’s hiked there for years, but he’s still wary and doesn’t understand them always, like the egg’s appearance showed. And now we get even more new material!

I’m somewhat ambivalent on this. On the one hand, it’s nice to have some better look into Eragon’s head, but on the other, it’s quite irrelevant to the story at hand, and it makes it feel sludgy.

Thanks for Changing: 39

Let’s see what we’ve got:

The Spine was the second-largest mountain range in Alagaësia. Far to the southeast were the Beor Mountains, which by some accounts were more than ten times the height of any other mountain.

Yes, the Beor Mountains will figure extensively later on, and I’m happy that they’re introduced here, instead of in chapter 28, as in the Knopf edition, where a reworked version of this paragraph is introduced. Kerlois will address the differences there.

In Spite of a Nail: 18

Southeast also fits if I look at the map.

I do have to say that those accounts are absolutely ludicrous. Over ten times higher than any other mountain?? If we say the Spine is between 3 and 4 kilometres high, the Beor Mountains would be over 30 to 40 kilometres high! At least the Knopf edition tones these accounts down for a bit.

Thanks for Changing: 40

He privately believed that most of their height was due to exaggeration.

1) Why does he believe that “privately”? What, will Garrow beat him up if he says that out loud? Why shouldn’t he believe that openly?

2) This sentence is phrased really poorly. It sounds like the mountains grow if their height is exaggerated.

Thanks for Changing: 41

~~~

Branches stirred in a breeze, and Eragon thought he saw a pair of twisted Urgal horns.

Yes, this is exactly this abrupt. Does make for a good jump-scare, though.

He sprinted down the trail in alarm, then saw that the horns were only dead wood shining in the sun. Feeling foolish, he drank some water to calm his nerves. Last night’s events had made him jumpy.

Well, that amounted to nothing at all. Okay, it demonstrates he’s nervous from the appearance of the egg, but other than that, it’s completely random and disjointed.

Thanks for Changing: 42

He had never seen an Urgal before, although he knew what their horns looked like.

And you’ve never had them described to you?

Morn, the tavern keeper, had bought a pair from a trader and mounted them over his bar.

To begin with the good, we have an earlier introduction of Morn, the Urgal horns don’t come as out of nowhere, and we know where they came from.

In Spite of a Nail: 21

As for the rest… Urgal horns are apparently being traded. I don’t think I need to explain how gross and horrible this is. And I do think less of Morn for mounting those in his tavern. But hey, nothing wrong with any of this yet, right?

Look Away: +1

RVMP: +1

Back to canon. Eragon keeps up “a brisk pace”, and makes good progress. This edition deletes the comma between the clauses. I’ve noticed that the Knopf edition consistently inserts commas like this.

Thanks for Changing: 43

He reaches the Anora River, and this edition notes that “he exited a small gully” to do so. We get the same description of the river, and Eragon goes to sleep again. While the Knopf edition says the camps “near the ravine”, this one says that he camps “a bowshot from the ravine”. I guess both editions are equally valid, but I don’t see the point in changing this.

We get a time skip.

A day and a half passes, and Eragon sees little wildlife. We get some more new content:

Only the birds seemed completely free and happy. Their songs and calls echoed through the trees like flutes, while splashes of light spilled from the clouds and bathed the landscape with beams of shifting gold.

Not bad; I can picture what Paolini’s going for. But because it is a summary, I can’t really get attached to this.

This edition inserts another paragraph break. He reaches the Igualda falls, and this edition adds a sentence about water condensing on his face and streaming off. Okay, this detail does help with making this story feel more based in an actual world.

In Spite of a Nail: 22

We get some more new material: Eragon walks to the edge of “the outcropping.” Clouds drift around him “like a lazy herd fattening itself with future rain.” Some clouds are impaled on “mountaintops” and rent to pieces, and other drift closer to the ground.

Again, it’s nice, but not when we’re waiting for the plot to begin.

Thanks for Changing: 44

We get the same description of Palancar Valley, “exposed like an unrolled map.”

You Missed a Spot: 13

There’s some other changes, too. This edition notes, like the Knopf one, that the land in the valley is “tan or sandy”, where there’s dead grass. It also notes that “[in] other places [is] dark green, blue in the distance, where trees advance[] out of the mountains and onto the valley floor.”

In Spite of a Nail: 23

And when the course of the Anora River is described, this edition notes that after it goes past Utgard, it “[leaves] Palancar Valley.” Given that the next sentence states that it turns to the sea, and that we can see on the map that Utgard is the end of Palancar Valley, that somewhat redundant.

Thanks for Changing: 45

Also, this: “The Anora River wound from the falls toward Palancar’s southern end”. This is the only time “Palancar” is used for “Palancar Valley”, so I think it’s an error.

PPP: +1

You Missed a Spot: 14

Eragon takes a pause, and this edition notes that it is “to let his mind run free and his body rest”. He begins the descent. This edition adds the following:

The winding trail followed a long arm of the mountain that gently sloped to the valley floor close to Carvahall. The path was worn smooth from the people who used it to reach the falls.

1) It would have been nice to know earlier how the path goes! In Eldest, I constantly felt like the path went straight along the falls, and I was wondering how anyone could evacuate an entire village via that way!

In Spite of a Nail: 24

2) Why is the path worn smooth by people why go to the falls? No one from Carvahall wants to do so, and the trappers who go that way aren’t so numerous. Also, wouldn’t it be dangerous to walk on, then?

Thanks for Changing: 46

This edition inserts another paragraph break. Eragon arrives at “the bottom of the mountain”, as this edition helpfully clarifies. There’s dusk everywhere, and the lights from Carvahall shimmer nearby. This edition adds that “[m]ore lights appeared as it grew darker and people prepared for night.” We have some more description of how little people come here and how secluded it is.

We get another new paragraph! Eragon walks across the fields of “Kiselt, one of the farmers who lived in Carvahall.” Ah yes, we’ll meet him in Eldest, and he’ll get to speak four times. He’s one of the farmer NPC’s. “Corn stubble” crackles under his feet, which Eragon notes is the remnant of a harvest. Dogs bark at him from houses, but they leave him alone. He walks onto the “main road”, which is “rutted, dusty, and hard under his feet.” He goes along “Gedric’s large tanning vats”, where he wrinkles his nose at the smell, and goes into Carvahall.

Well, this paragraph has been rightly cut. It adds absolutely nothing. Okay, we learn about Kiselt and Gedric, but Kiselt will barely be relevant, and we won’t meet Gedric for quite some time yet.

Thanks for Changing: 47

We get the same description of Carvahall, with some minor changes:

1) It says that windows brighten as candles or lamps are lit, and this edition adds that they’re lit “behind” the windows.

2) This edition adds the following: “People had finished the day’s business, so the streets were mostly empty.”

3) The sentence about wives fetching their husbands is split in two, and this edition notes that they’re scurrying “out of the houses”.

Thanks for Changing: 48 (for the two instances of hand-holding)

 

Now we get some more new material. Eragon goes between the houses, and this edition adds that he’s “ducking into the shadows out of habit”, which is a nice character moment. He goes for the butcher’s shop. This edition adds this part:

He passed Gertrude’s small house on the way. She was Carvahall’s healer and midwife—her herbs and poultices often meant the difference between life and death.

Well, that would have been nice to keep here. We’ll get her introduction anyway, but still, there was no need to cut this out.

In Spite of a Nail: 25

This edition notes he “reache[s] his destination”, which is a “thick, broad-beamed building”. The chimney still emits “black smoke” for no reason.

You Missed a Spot: 15

He pushes the door open, and this edition notes that he goes in. I do find that this one flows smoother than the Knopf edition.

In Spite of a Nail: 26

We get the description of the interior. The room is warm, and there’s a fire in the fireplace. This edition adds “Wood was piled in the corner next to it.” There’s a counter, and the floor is still strewn with straw.

Ill Logic: 25

You Missed a Spot: 16

Was it so hard to fix this?? Anyway, this edition adds that “chairs were scattered around.” What for? And why are they “scattered around”? That just seems very inconvenient. Why wouldn’t Sloan sort them, anyway? He’s apparently obsessively cleaning the room, but he can’t be bothered to put those chairs right? It’s possible, but it is inconsistent.

Thanks for Changing: 49

In fact, the very next sentence establishes how clean the place is.

Hmmm. After this paragraph, I’ll also do comparison counts for the self-published and the Knopf edition.

We’re introduced to Sloan, and this edition puts “The butcher Sloan” ahead. He’s wearing a cotton shirt and a “long bloodstained smock.” The Knopf edition thankfully puts a comma in there.

Thanks for Changing: 50

We get his physical description, and this edition notes that his eyes are “hard” as well as “black”. He’s polishing the counter.

Here come the comparison counters, then:

-1 for RVMP, because the Knopf edition uses “the creatures” instead of they.

S RVMP: -1

Somewhat debatable, but +1 on No-Wave Feminism, because the self-published one described Arya as having “great beauty”, and given how much she’ll be objectified later, that doesn’t sit right with me.

S No-Wave Feminism: +1

+3 on general hand-holding throughout the prologue.

S Hand-Holding: +3

-1 on PPP, as mentioned at the end of the prologue.

S PPP: -1

+1 on Continuity Fluidity, because the Knopf edition doesn’t say that Garrow has very little gold.

S Continuity Fluidity: +1

S PPP: +1 (for barely moving while moving)

S PPP: +1 (unnecessary semicolon)

S PPP: -1 (ellipsis instead of dash at the explosion)

S Dead Herrings: +1 (for “as if [the egg] were hollow”)

S Dead Herrings: +3 (for three mentions of the “stone”)

S RVMP: +2 (for the colonial thoughts earlier)

S Dead Herrings: +3 (for three mentions of the “stone”)

S PPP: +1 (for nonexistent with a comma in front of it)

S Continuity Fluidity: +2 (for Eragon asking for the value of the egg and 33 degrees north being “this far north”)

S Continuity Fluidity: +2 (for the unsupported claims about the Spine)

S Continuity Fluidity: +1 (for the path that’s been worn smooth)

S Continuity Fluidity: +1 (for the chairs)

S Petty Ain’t the Word for You: +1 (for mentioning Sloan’s “hard eyes”)

 

That works out to:

S Continuity Fluidity: +6

S Dead Herrings: +7

S Hand-Holding: +3

S No-Wave Feminism: +1

S PPP: +1

S RVMP: +1

I’ll merge them with the main counts when I catch up. Let’s go on.

Sloan’s mouth twists, and this edition says it’s “as he saw Eragon enter”, instead of “as Eragon entered.” He makes a quip about Eragon being a mighty hunter, and asks how many Eragon bagged “this time”.

Eragon says none. This edition adds this: “He took off his pack and set it on one of the chairs, relieved to have the weight off his shoulders.” Rather a change from the Knopf edition, where he keeps it on his back all the time. I’m quite certain this will cause an In Spite of a Nail instance, in the classic sense.

We get Eragon’s Reasons Sloan Suck speech again, with some differences:

1) This edition uses “He had never cared for Sloan” instead of “He had never liked Sloan”. I think the latter fits better here.

Thanks for Changing: 51

2) This edition adds “And his prices were high” onto the list. That only makes me wonder more why no-one has said anything about him yet.

S Ill Logic: +1

Thanks for Changing: 52

3) This is the final sentence in both editions:

A widower, Sloan seemed to care for only one person—his daughter, Katrina, on whom he doted. K

 

A widower, the only person Sloan seemed to care for was his daughter Katrina, whom he doted on. S

 

The self-published one goes much smoother.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 27

 

And here I’ll cut off this part, because I’ve come pretty far already and because the confrontation between Eragon and Sloan will be quite heavily rewritten.

 

Here’s the counts:

 

Ill Logic: 25

In Spite of a Nail: 27

Thanks for Changing: 52

You Missed a Spot: 16

 

Comments

[kalinara]

It really is interesting to see the editing process at work, so to speak. The changes generally make sense, even if I might quibble with an individual one or two.

[pangolin20]

Oh, certainly. I really like seeing what the original looked like, and it makes the Knopf edition make more sense.