Eragon: Self-published edition: Chapter One

[pangolin20]

Welcome back to the self-published edition of Eragon. This time, I’ll tackle chapter 1.

 

As before, we open on Eragon kneeling in “trampled reed grass”. The self-published edition says it’s a “stand” instead of a bed. I’m inclined to say the self-published one is better here, since reed grass stands up.

In Spite of a Nail: 8

He looks over the tracks, and tells us that the deer will soon bed down.

You Missed A Spot: 5

He’s amazed the doe he’s after has made it so far, and this edition adds The defect made her choice prey. Why, thanks for explaining! I’m also not really keen on the word “defect” here.

Thanks for Changing: 23

Then we get the same paragraph of description, with some minor changes:

1) The first sentence is split in two sentences.

2) “A silvery cloud” has become “a small silvery cloud”.

3) “Snowpacks” is spelled as “snow packs”.

Then comes Eragon’s physical description, which is identical, except for that he now has “thick” eyebrows instead of “dark” ones. I prefer dark eyebrows, in this case.

Thanks for Changing: 24

We’re again told the deer have led him into the Spine, which is now also called “wild”. Here we get a more substantive edit:

Strange tales and men often came from the mountains, usually boding ill. Despite that, he did not fear the mountains—he was the only hunter from or around Carvahall who dared track game deep into its craggy recesses. S

Strange tales and men often came from those mountains, usually boding ill. Despite that, Eragon did not fear the Spine—he was the only hunter near Carvahall who dared track game deep into its craggy recesses. K

The Knopf edition is better here; it avoids using “mountains” three times in a row. Regarding the last change, I think “from Carvahall” would work better than either version.

Thanks for Changing: 25

Eragon explains that his food is half-gone.

If he did not fell the doe, he would be forced to return home to Palancar Valley empty handed—a painful thought. S

If he did not fell the doe, he would be forced to return home empty-handed. K

The Knopf edition is again tighter, and hyphenates empty-handed.

Thanks for Changing: 26

Eragon explains that they need meat and can’t afford to buy it. This edition splits the clauses into sentences, and uses meat in the latter one.

Thanks for Changing: 27

This edition adds It was so expensive that the few gold coins his Uncle had saved over the years would soon disappear, which is hilarious, as in this same edition, he gives Eragon and Roran money to buy treats with. So much for “the few gold coins”. Also, in this edition, “Uncle” is capitalised for some reason.

Thanks for Changing: 28

Eragon goes into the forest, and there is some restructuring here:

then strode out of the meadow into the forest. The trees blocked the sky from view and cast feathery shadows on the ground and cast feathery shadows on the ground as he hurried toward a glen where he was sure the deer would rest. S

then strode into the forest toward a glen where he was sure the deer would rest. The trees blocked the sky from view and cast feathery shadows on the ground. K

The Knopf edition is tighter.

Thanks for Changing: 29

Another change:

He looked at the tracks only occasionally now; he had been here before and knew the way. S

He looked at the tracks only occasionally; he knew the way. K

I think the changes balance each other out here. Deleting the “now” is good, because we haven’t seen him check up on the tracks very often before now. Knowing that he’s been here before helps clear things up.

Now we get some entirely new material! Eragon crests “a small ridge”, and stalks down into “a small gorge filled with the sound of running water.” Only the sound of running water; guess there’s an audio installation nearby. The mist is thicker that low, which makes it hard to see the ground. Eragon likes that, though, “because the damp air would mask his scent from the deer.” He reaches the glen, just as in canon, though this version remarks it’s “woody”. It also notes he slides his bow out of the tube.

Okay, the extra content is not bad, per se, but it doesn’t exactly add anything, either. And having done comparisons of the next few chapters, I can say that that will keep up. Here it’s good that it’s cut.

Eragon draws some arrows (“silently” in this edition), and holds them in his left hand.

You Missed a Spot: 6

This edition has a paragraph break here, and it says Barely moving, he slid through the brush. I think I know what Paolini means, but still, if Eragon’s barely moving, he won’t come very far.

Thanks for Changing: 30

Eragon can see “motionless lumps” where the deer lie.

You Missed a Spot: 7

And here’s some new material. Eragon says they’re camouflaged well; it takes him several looks before he realises what they are. He “slips between two trees” and “[fights] to keep his breathing quiet.” He thinks that he can lose the deer if he startles them now. He pauses and looks at “the ground ahead.”

Here is a paragraph break in this edition, and we get the same line about the doe, except that here, the comma is a semicolon. I don’t think “her leg stretched out awkwardly” makes for a very good sentence.

Thanks for Changing: 31

This edition also expands here. Eragon slowly “creeps closer”, keeping his bow ready. When he’s at “ten yards”, he’s close enough to shoot, but instead he “gather[s] himself to dash forward.” Tremors run through his legs, “and his breathing slow[s] until it almost stop[s].” Good luck trying to hit the deer when you don’t have air, Eragon. I could buy it if his breathing became shallow, but not that he barely breathes at all.

Thanks for Changing: 32

We get the canon line about how he’s been at this for three days, except that this edition says it’s been “focused” on this moment. Here comes a line-comparison:

He took a last steadying breath and… an explosion shattered the night. S

He took a last steadying breath and—an explosion shattered the night. K

Swapping out the em-dash with an ellipsis makes this flow much better. Pity it was changed. Also, the “last steadying breath” bit works better when we didn’t just establish that Eragon was barely breathing.

In Spite of a Nail: 9

Thanks for Changing: 33

In general, I do think the extra detail adds here. There is more opportunity to be shocked at the explosion, and it’s also easier to get invested here.

In Spite of a Nail: 10

The herd bolts. Eragon runs into the explosion, and takes the time to fire at the doe.

Ill Logic: 22

You Missed a Spot: 8

In this edition, he does more. “His hands [are] a blur” as he fires “the other two shafts” at the deer. He sees the arrows miss and disappear into the grass.

1) This is worse than in canon! Here he takes the time to shoot even more arrows at deer that are beyond his reach, and he doesn’t even react!

2) “Other two shafts”? He had three spare arrows in his left hand.

Thanks for Changing: 35

Well, Eragon finally reacts, and looks back to the area, of which we now get the same description. There’s some things here:

1) Instead of saying the “pines” have been stripped of their needles, this edition says it’s the “nearby trees.”

2) This edition also uses “blast radius”. Oops.

3) A line change:

The mist, which had been blown away, snaked back over the charred area and swirled insubstantial tendrils over the stone. S

Mist snaked across the scorched area and swirled insubstantial tendrils over the stone. K

For points…

You Missed a Spot: 9 (for “blast radius”)

In Spite of a Nail: 11

The last point because the mist comes out of nowhere in the Knopf edition, because its earlier mentions are removed.

Eragon watches for danger for some time, and the only thing that moves is the mist. This edition adds that it’s the only thing that moves “in the sky or on the ground.” I think we can do perfectly well without that addition.

Thanks for Changing: 36

Eragon now release the tension from his bow, and this edition notes that “he still held it ready”. He stops before the egg, and this edition says that the moonlight “gave him” a pale shadow, instead of “casting him in” it. He nudges the egg with an arrow, and when nothing happens, he picks it up.

Ill Logic: 23

We get the same description, and it is still “frictionless” and feels like “hardened silk”.

You Missed a Spot: 11

He notes that it feels lighter than it should, and this edition adds “as if it were hollow”. Good to see the mystery was even worse in the original edition.

Thanks for Changing: 37

He thinks the egg is both beautiful and frightening, and this edition notes it is “out of place in his world.” He has the same thoughts as before, only this edition uses a comma instead of a colon to introduce the last thought.

Thanks for Changing: 38

He tells us he’s learned to treat magic with caution, and then we get some new material:

Witches and Shades whirled in his mind as he imagined many fanciful things.

Nice that Eragon thinks some more about who could have sent it, but detail would be nice here.

~~~

Recently there had been reports of strange beasts in the area, especially around Utgard Mountain,

Which is at the other end of the valley, so I don’t know why they’d have anything to do with this. Also, I don’t think this will go anywhere. At least in the Knopf edition, it’s mentioned nowhere.

but he doubted that a brute monster could be responsible for the stone’s materialization.

Me too. I don’t really like the phrase “brute monster” here to describe wild animals. Also, the original had an extra Dead Herring.

Thanks for Changing: 40

He shivered. If a Shade had sent it, he was in trouble. Shades were few and far between, even in legends.

Well, this extra information certainly helps! Pity it was cut.

In Spite of a Nail: 12

They were human, at least they were born so, but their sorcery transformed them into something more than flesh and bone. In the process they gained great powers, but at the price of becoming absolutely evil.

This will not be entirely accurate to what we will learn later, but it certainly does help to have an explanation here instead of at the end of the book.

In Spite of a Nail: 13

I do like the inaccuracy, though; it feels like something people could have come up with as a legend.

With an effort he put the notion out of his mind. There had been no Shade in Alagaësia for over a century.

Oh? Good to get to know that from the self-published edition.

In Spite of a Nail: 14

Other than that, though, what kind of logic is this? Yes, there may not have been a Shade for over a hundred years, but why couldn’t there be a new Shade, like there actually is? If anything, I’d expect Eragon to go “why would a Shade send this stone into the middle of the mountains?”

~~~

Whatever the stone was, and wherever it had come from, the deer were lost to him now. It was time to go home.

And this is the last new bit. Overall, I do think it helped the story. We have some explanation of Shades, and Eragon actually thinks it over.

In Spite of a Nail: 15

Thanks for Changing: 41 (for the dead herring)

Eragon thinks over what he should do with the egg, which is an indirect thought here. And in this edition it flows from what came before, instead of being somewhat jarring in the Knopf edition.

In Spite of a Nail: 16

He thinks it would be tiresome to carry, and might be dangerous, and that he’d best leave it behind. This edition adds this sentence: But if he did, and someone else found it, then what might happen? Uh, no idea. I don’t think it’s likely that anyone would even find it, after all. And if you’re worried about what might happen, why don’t you throw it over the Igualda Falls, then? That should destroy it proper.

He has a flicker of indecision, but something makes him take the egg. In this edition, the sentence is split in two, with an additional Dead Herring.

Thanks for Changing: 42

There comes another split sentence as he decides to take it along because “it might pay for some food”.

Ill Logic: 24

He makes camp beneath a fallen tree, and falls asleep, exactly like in canon. And the chapter ends there.

Let’s see how much words we’ve lost. The self-published edition has 1259 words, while the Knopf edition has 845, so we’ve lost 414 words.

Until chapter two!

Ill Logic: 24

In Spite of a Nail: 16

Thanks for Changing: 24

You Missed a Spot: 11

 

Comments

[kalinara]

I hate to say it, but for self-published material, this really isn't bad. I have much higher standards for professionally published things, because they (at least theoretically) have a much more intensive editing process. This though is a pretty impressive effort from a teenager without access to any of those things.

[pangolin20]

Oh, it's certainly not exactly bad. I don't have very much of the self-published edition, but I'd rate it as just as good as the Knopf edition, except that the latter is just a little tighter.

And, yes, it is a quite impressive effort. Overall, I'd rate Eragon as the very best of his books.