The Crystal Shard - Book Three - Chapter Twenty Nine

[kalinara]

Okay, so last time, Regis actually got to be pretty awesome. And Drizzt was Drizzt, unsurprisingly. This time looks promising as it involves Bruenor and Catti-brie. Bruenor is hit or miss for me, but since we're not dealing with the really awkward and morally questionable dynamic with Wulfgar, it might be okay. And I'm looking forward to seeing poor Catti-brie get to do ANYTHING.

I'm not necessarily expecting her to pull a Bobbi Smythe, but I'd like to see her get to do something.



So as mentioned, we join the dwarves as they explore their secret exits. Bruenor of course is first, climbing the ladder to peek out from under cut sod. Apparently the dwarves are SO expert that they can dig up a shaft right in the middle of a group of goblins. Bruenor is happy and he orders them to finish the other nine tunnels.

Catti-brie wants to know her role. Bruenor wants her to pull the levers and collapse tunnels if any of the enemy comes down. Catti-brie reasonably asks what happens if they're all killed in the battle field, as she doesn't particularly like the idea of being trapped alone behind the tunnels. Bruenor admits she has a point.

...so are there no dwarf women or children? Or are they ALL fighting too? What kind of settlement is this, Bruenor? Don't get me wrong, I like the idea that there are dwarf women among the men fighting, but um, TELL us that?

Bruenor hadn't thought of that and asks her if she wants to come up and fight too, since she's good with a sword and he'll be right beside her.

Catti-brie apparently balks at actually getting to have a role in the action and decides no she'll stay at the levers after all, so she can protect the halls from the goblins if necessary. Ugh. So close, Salvatore.

Look, having someone man the levers makes sense, sure. And it's good that Catti-brie's sensible. But really, ANY of Bruenor's subordinates could be manning that lever. And we have seen NO mention of any women fighting at ALL. Women in this story seem to exist to become Akar's sex slaves or scream and die. I'm not saying that all female characters have to be combat types, but how about ONE?

Catti-brie says her worries were stupid because Bruenor and his clan haven't failed her yet. You know, I really wish we'd get a clearer idea of Catti-brie's role within dwarf society. Or how she sees it. She's implicitly Bruenor's adopted clan, we've never heard any mention of family within the Ten Towns. Does she see herself as a member of dwarf society or an outsider like Wulfgar. We only really get to know her as a contrast to Wulfgar, but what does SHE feel about all this?

Why give us a potentially interesting character like Catti-brie if you're not intending to use her?

Bruenor calls her a brave girl and they get ready. They hear commotion above as the army begins in fighting, many people calling for the death of the orc tribe Regis fingered last chapter (go Regis), they continue to lay in wait, and when things are quiet, the dwarves slip out of the holes and get to murdering. We're told that they don't revel in their roles as assassins, but they understand the necessity of this type of raid and "they placed no value whatsoever on the lives of goblin scum."

Um. Look, I know goblins are generally one of those "Always Chaotic Evil" races, but so are drow. And given that this is a book that highlights two characters from adversarial or outright evil backgrounds in Wulfgar and Drizzt, this kind of sentiment sits a little off.

Anyway, we're told that by the time one of the guards notices the murdering "the blood of more than a thousand of Kessell's charges wetted the field." Holy fuck, Bruenor. Now though they have to form up and defend the tunnels.

Initially the dwarves were going to escape, but Bruenor has other ideas. He "unexpectedly" orders the tunnel experts to hold the line because he had just heard notes of an ancient song, which a few years ago would have filled him with dread. But now it fills him with hope. He recognizes the lead voice. Hmm, where have we heard about a song before?

We rejoin Drizzt, where he's still invading the tower. He apparently had tripped an alarm and woke up some guardians. Worse, when he beheads them, they still keep fighting. Guenhwyvar isn't doing too hot either, as she's limping up the stairs waiting for him. When he gets to the top, there's no door. He seems to have encountered a dungeon puzzle room.

I mean, these are pretty much a staple in D&D sure, or computer games like Skyrim. They make sense in that context, but the problem is, when you read it as a story, it's very hard to ignore the lingering question of "how the fuck do the inhabitants actually live with these traps?" I mean, let's be honest, Akar Kessell's no brain trust, are you seriously telling me that he is able to navigate this bullshit?

Drizzt notes that there must be a clue, as wizards love a challenge. And there is, in a nearby tapestry, some new verses to a poem. Since when was Kessell into poetry? Also WHY DO THIS AT ALL?

Also, of course, it's gross:

Come if ye will
To the orgy within,
But first ye must find the latch!
Seen and not seen,
Been yet not been
And a handle that flesh cannot catch.

Ew.

Anyway, Drizzt notes that line about being, which reminds him of his childhood in Menzoberranzan. He'd heard the phrase (of course he did) which referred to a vicious demon (Urgutha Forka, which sorry, is a really stupid name), which had "ravaged the planet with a particularly virulent plague in the ancient times when Drizzt's ancestors had walked on the surface." Apparently the surface elves didn't believe in the demon, and blamed the (proto) drow. The drow knew better.

I admit, I'm always interested in the pre-fall history of the elves. But this seems a tiny bit contrived. We've MET Kessell, do we really think he's up on drow folklore? I mean, it'd work for pretty much every other mage character in the Forgotten Realms. Elminster the Archmage? Sure I'll buy that he knows the story. Khelben Blackstaff is a studious sort of fellow, he might have read it. Hell, I'd even buy Harkle Harpell stumbling onto the tale while sprouting eyes on his own ass, or whatever comic relief bullshit he's up to. (God I hate that guy.) But Akar Kessell???

So anyway, before we feel too sorry for the falsely accused drow, we're told that the drow are, for some reason involved in their physical makeup, immune to the demon, and after realizing the deadliness of the plague, they decided to ally with it. Wait, if this was pre-Fall, then what differences are we talking about? Most of the drow adaptions came about after they were banished, IIRC.

Anyway, the book takes three paragraphs to tell us that the Been yet not been" is a derogatory line in a drow tale that's a secret joke on their "hated cousins". It would have been impossible to anyone who didn't know the story. Again, how the fuck does Kessell know this story? It's not like he's got a drow ally, and Errtu didn't seem to be one for bedtime stories.

Anyway, he finds the clue: in the reflection of the tapestry in the mirror, there's a portrayal of Urgutha hitting an elf with a rod. In the real version, he's hitting him with his fist. He can't grab the rod directly due to the mirror, but he basically mimes grabbing it, positioning his hand where it should be in the real world. The mirror cracks and Drizzt and Guen escape right before their pursuers catch them.

So Drizzt finds the harem room. Yay. Let's see how offensive it is.

It was softly lit with torches glowing under screening shades. Most of the floor was covered with overstuffed pillows, and sections of the room were curtained off. The harem girls, Kessell's mindless playthings, sat in a circle in the center of the floor, giggling with the uninhibited enthusiasm of children at play. Drizzt doubted that they would notice him, but even if they did, he wasn't overly concerned. He understood right away that these pitiful, broken creatures were incapable of initiating any action against him.

Ugh. Thanks Salvatore. I kind of want one of these girls to up and stab Drizzt, just to prove his ass wrong.

So anyway, Drizzt realizes that a buzzing he'd heard before had gotten louder. Something's happening to the tower. Then the door opens to Akar Kessell's throne room. Kessell congratulates Drizzt, while Regis stands obediently next to him with a blank face.

So Drizzt goes in (Guen stays hidden). He and Regis don't react to each other. Drizzt attempts to pass himself off as an ambassador of the drow, as that worked so well before. But Kessell had lived in the Ten Towns for a while, so he knows Drizzt's name. Drizzt regroups calmly, and introduces himself properly as a ranger of Gwaeron Windstrom. (I feel like this ends up being soft retconned in later books. I don't recall Windstrom being mentioned later. Instead, Drizzt seems to follow the goddess Mielikki directly. But I digress).

So anyway, Drizzt draws his weapons while Kessell traps him in some nice lasers. Kessell starts speechifying dramatically, and tells Drizzt to behold his army, making it appear in the scrying glass. This backfires on him, as a death cry and noise of battle is heard from the field: we see Bruenor and his folk killing goblins and ogres. Kessell tries for bravado, but Drizzt hears the Song of Tempos just like Bruenor did, and strains to catch a glimpse, "anxious to see the leader of the song"

Aww.

Kessell thinks he's getting reinforcements, because last he knew the barbarians are on his side. The goblins and orcs cheer...then die. The dwarves join in the Song.

So Kessell is mad, calls Drizzt "Killer of your own kin" and attacks him with his light show. All along, he's been taunting Drizzt with a candle (the source of the light), and he's about to deliver a final blow when Regis, awesomely, blows out the candle.

Regis merely shrugged his shoulders, as if he was as surprised by his uncharacteristically brave act as Kessell.

Hey. Regis has been pretty fucking brave all the way through this book, thank you. Sure, he's a little whiny. But he sits watch with Drizzt when he doesn't have to. He killed that southern spy who was helping the barbarians. He took part in council meetings with dicks like Kemp. He WALKED INTO KESSELL'S LAIR BY HIMSELF.

So anyway, Kessell freaks out, throwing the plate that held the candle at the mirror and runs away screaming. Really? It's not like you don't have, I don't know, a godly powerful shard. Anyway, it did end up summoning two hellhounds. Guen fights one, and they knock Regis aside, while Drizzt's new magic scimitar has fun cleaving it. He chases after Kessell, and they reach the heart of the tower: an image of Creshinibon. There's still a lot of nasty light and one mirror.

Kessell taunts Drizzt, telling him to strike at the heart, which is mightier than any weapon in the world. WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT? Even if you think damaging it is impossible, what's the fucking point of telling him that?

And indeed: Drizzt had other plans, though. He was flexible and cunning enough to realize that some foes could not be defeated with force alone. There were always other options.

Yes, thank you Mr. Salvatore. You love Drizzt like Julian May loves Marc Remillard. It's less cute coming from you though.

So Drizzt reaches for the sack on his belt. Kessell demands to know what he's doing. Um. Why don't you TRY TO KILL HIM? I mean, he's acting "methodical and unshaken". HIT HIM WITH A FIREBALL. OR A LIGHTNING BOLT. OR A FUCKING MAGIC MISSILE.

And Creshinibon apparently feels the same way, since it's telepathically telling Kessell to kill him. But Kessell is a failure, so Drizzt gets to act. It's the bag of flour mentioned earlier. He pours it on the gemstone.

Okay, I'm calling fucking shenanigans here. I've put up with Drizzt's gratuitously randomly knowing stuff throughout this book, despite being as scholarly as a goldfish and living in a cave. And yes, I will grant that the idea that Drizzt had this bag of flour came up a few chapters ago. But Drizzt had NO FUCKING IDEA about the shard when he started on this mission. EVEN IF he realized that the tower was solar powered (as Cassius did), why on Earth would he expect there to be a smaller version of the tower that he could pour flour on?! It's not like there's enough in the bag to cover a whole fucking tower.

ARGHHH.

So anyway, the flour can only block the gem for a short time, so Drizzt slips the bag over it and pulls the drawstring tight.

Are you fucking serious?

Kessell starts shrieking helplessly, because of course this fucking pitiful excuse for a villain is defeated by a fucking flour sack. Of course he fucking is. The Tower starts quaking, and Kessell yells that Drizzt won't be able to escape before it crumbles. Kessell himself actually manages to escape through the mirror. Drizzt yells for Regis, but gets no answer, then he dives through the mirror himself.

And thus ends the chapter. Fucking hell.