Eragon: Self-published edition: Chapter Two (Part Two)

[pangolin20]

Welcome back to the self-published edition of Eragon, as today I’ll go further in chapter 2!

Content Warning: Bullying and Abuse (somewhat worse than last time)

 

We’d last cut off just before the confrontation between Eragon and Sloan. Let’s see what it looks like in this edition.

Eragon has just said he hasn’t bagged any game. Sloan sarcastically says he’s amazed, and turns to scrape something off the wall. This edition merges these two sentences. He asks if that’s Eragon’s reason for coming there, and Eragon gets uncomfortable and admits it is.

Here comes another comparison:

“If that’s the case, let’s see your money.” Sloan tapped his fingers when Eragon shifted

his feet and remained silent. “Come on—either you have it or you don’t. Which is it?” K

“If that’s the case, let’s see your money,” he said and faced Eragon again, wiping his hands on the rag. Sloan tapped his fingers when Eragon shifted his feet and didn’t answer. “Come on; either you have it or you don’t. Which is it?” S

 

1) The bit about Sloan turning around makes this paragraph run smoother. In the Knopf edition, we’re left to assume that he turned back and didn’t keep his back turned (granted, that would be quite effective in making him look like an ass. Oh, someone will literally do this in Eldest.)

In Spite of a Nail: 28

2) I do like “remained silent” better than “didn’t answer”, because “didn’t” occurs much less than “did not” in the narration, and it’s out of place with the formal tone it has.

Thanks for Changing: 53

3) This is more personal opinion, but I like the semi-colon in the last sentence better than the em-dash.

In Spite of a Nail: 29

Eragon says he doesn’t have money, and is cut off by Sloan. This edition moves the dialogue tag on his response forward, so it’s in one place.

Like in canon, Sloan goes off on Eragon, saying that Eragon needs money to buy things, and do they other merchants just hand their goods over? There’s still no reason given why they’re using money in this community.

Ill Logic: 26

You Missed a Spot: 17

Sloan changes tack and says it’s late and Eragon should come back tomorrow. Eragon glares at Sloan, and this edition notes that he is “exasperated.”

He says he can’t wait until tomorrow. This edition adds “I have to get home before it gets much later.” On the one hand, that explains why he wants to get this done now. On the other hand, why does he have to get home soon? We don’t hear about Garrow having set a strict time for him to be home in. Maybe he doesn’t want to disturb Garrow when he comes home? But if that were so, it should be mentioned.

In Spite of a Nail: 30

Thanks for Changing: 54

Eragon says he’s got something to pay Sloan with, and he pulls out the egg “with a flourish.” That makes considerably more sense when his pack is on a chair, instead of presumably still on his back.

In Spite of a Nail: 31

This edition splits the sentence here into two and introduces an extra Dead Herring.

S Dead Herrings: +8

Thanks for Changing: 55

Sloan leans in to look at it, and mutters “Stole it is more likely”, which still doesn’t make sense.

You Missed a Spot: 18

Eragon ignores the remark and asks if it will be enough. In response, Sloan picks up the egg and feels it. This edition notes he looks at the white veins “closely”, and it adds this sentence: “The room was silent, except for the crackling fire, as he examined the offering.” I do like this line, because it provides a nice transition sentence.

In Spite of a Nail: 32

He puts the egg down again, and he asks Eragon how much it’s worth. Does he still think Eragon is a thief, and is that why he thinks Eragon would know that? That might explain this.

Eragon says he doesn’t know, but there must be some value to it, or else no-one would have bothered to make it.

Sloan goes “no, duh”, and asks again how much value it has. This edition merges the two sentences of Sloan’s dialogue. He says that since Eragon doesn’t know, he should find a trader who does know, or take an offer of three crowns.

Eragon says that’s a miser’s bargain, and the egg must be worth more than ten times that amount. He tells us that three crowns won’t be enough to last them a week. I still can’t help but think this scene would work better if crowns had been established before now.

Here’s a slight change. In the Knopf edition, Sloan just shrugs. Here, he also says “whatever”. Sloan says that Eragon should wait until the traders arrive if Eragon doesn’t like his offer, and he’s tired of the conversation.

We get the same exposition on the traders, still in the middle of a conversation.

You Missed a Spot: 19

And they still sell “sugar”.

You Missed a Spot: 20

Eragon doesn’t want to wait, as “it could be a while” and his family needs the meat now. This edition renders the quoted portion as “it could be awhile”. I prefer the Knopf version here.

Thanks for Changing: 56

This edition adds that he “hesitate[s]” before snapping that he accepts. I like that; it makes Eragon come across as less rude.

In Spite of a Nail: 33

Here’s another comparison:

“Good, I’ll get you the meat. Not that it matters, but where did you find this?” K

Sloan picked up the stone and said smoothly, “Good, I’ll get you the meat.” Then he casually asked, “Not that it matters, but where did you find this?” S

1) For the Dead Herring:

S Dead Herrings: +9

Thanks for Changing: 57

2) I like the “said smoothly” part here, as actually shows Sloan as somewhat of a jerk.

In Spite of a Nail: 34

3) Since this edition has an extra note on Sloan’s last comment, I wonder if he’s asking this to try to find out if Eragon stole it…

Eragon replies that he found it in the Spine, and this edition adds “he started to say” as dialogue tag.

Sloan yells at Eragon to get out, and pushes the egg away. He stomps away and starts to scrub bloodstains (which this edition spells as “blood stains”) from a knife. Come to think of it, why are there still bloodstains on this knife if he’s so keen on cleaning things? And shouldn’t the bloodstains cause the knife to rust faster?

Continuity Fluidity: +1

You Missed a Spot: 21

Eragon asks why, and this edition adds that he’s “puzzled by the rude behaviour.” Well, thank you for explaining this.

S Hand-Holding: +4

S Petty Ain’t the Word For You: +1 (because we need to be reminded that his behaviour is rude)

He pulls the egg closer. Sloan says that he won’t deal with anything from the Spine. And here we get some new material, that I will show you. First, a comparison.

 

Take your sorcerer’s stone elsewhere.” K

 

Take your sorcerer’s stone out of here. Go elsewhere.” S

 

I like the sentence that ends with “out of here” better, though the “go elsewhere” bit is not exactly necessary.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 35

 

We get the same sentence where Sloan cuts himself, but he doesn’t seem to notice, and then the new material begins.

 

Eragon was surprised. He had never seen the butcher cut himself.

 

Wow! We actually get a reaction here! And a quite appropriate one at that. Also, this helps to underscore the seriousness of what is going on, and just how distraught Sloan is.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 36

~~~

 

“If there was somewhere else to go, I would,” said Eragon carefully, “but there isn’t. We need meat… and I don’t have the time to argue. Will you please take the stone? Three crowns worth of meat isn’t much. And I’ll leave right away.”

S Dead Herrings: +10

Thanks for Changing: 58

This is great, actually, and Eragon is very reasonable here. He just asks if he could have more meat, and he even tries to accommodate Sloan, by saying he’ll leave immediately. It’s a major step up from Eragon yelling at Sloan for not selling to him. And it makes Sloan look actually worse when he refuses.

In Spite of a Nail: 41

~~~

Here comes another reworked sentence:

He continued to scrub, staining the blade with fresh blood. K

Sloan refused to look at him and kept scrubbing, but only succeeding in staining the blade with fresh blood from his finger. S

The reworked sentence is better, because 1) I think “succeeding” should be “succeeded”,  and 2) we know that the fresh blood comes from his finger.

S PPP: +2

Thanks for Changing: 60

Some new stuff here:

He shrugged a lean shoulder and said stubbornly, “I’ll not deal with that stone! Now get it off my counter and leave.”

S Dead Herrings: +11

Thanks for Changing: 61

I do like this addition. Sloan isn’t being all that unreasonable, actually. Yes, he could be more polite about it, but he isn’t threatening Eragon yet, and he’s being clear here.

In Spite of a Nail: 42

~~~

Here’s another reworking:

“You refuse to sell to me!” K

“Are you refusing to sell to me?” asked Eragon incredulously. S

 

The second one is much better, as Eragon doesn’t escalate by yelling at Sloan. And this makes more sense with the extended build-up, anyway.

In Spite of a Nail: 44

The next paragraph is much like in canon, with two exceptions:

1) This edition deletes the comma after “growled”.

Thanks for Changing: 62

2) In the Knopf edition, Sloan says “Go, before I make you!” Here, he says “Go, before I have to make you!”

I do think that does a good job of making Sloan look more irrational.

In Spite of a Nail: 45

Now we get new material:

~~~

Eragon frowned, trying not to let his temper explode.

What? I didn’t get the impression that he was angry at all. That needs to be established!

S Continuity Fluidity: +2

Thanks for Changing: 63

“I came in here to barter, and you call me a thief and refuse to deal with me! You set a price and I accepted it. Why won’t you give me the meat?”

Good, good! Eragon points out just how Sloan has been acting, and at this point, he’s certainly allowed some exasperation.

I do notice that Eragon says he came to “barter”, which seems more in line with what Eldest will show us…

In Spite of a Nail: 46

~~~

“Get out!” Eragon hesitated, worried where this could lead, but held his ground. Sloan kept moving away. “What are you going to do now? Shoot me with your bow because I won’t give you meat?”

1) I would personally shift either of the two pieces of Sloan talking into a separate paragraph, because it looks quite awkward like this.

Thanks for Changing: 64

2) I’m glad to see Eragon realises that he might be in danger. It would be better if he’d back off, though.

3) This succeeds better at making Sloan seem irrational and a jerk, because Eragon has been calm during this entire conversation, and there’s no reason for Sloan to assume that he’d grab his bow and shoot.

In Spite of a Nail: 47

~~~

Appalled by the suggestion, Eragon asserted, “I have as much right to be served as anyone else.”

On the one hand, I’m glad that Eragon is “appalled” at the thing of harming Sloan. That will change soon enough. On the other hand, what in the world is he going on about? “Right to be served”? This isn’t a restaurant, Eragon! Sloan doesn’t “serve” you! If anything, you should complain that he has no right to treat you differently for going into the Spine! Also, way to de-escalate the situation.

Thanks for Changing: 66

~~~

“Not around here,” sneered Sloan. “This is—”

Okay, this definitely pushes Sloan over to “asshole” side, since he seems to think here that he can treat anyone as he likes in his shop and have no one call him out on it.

In Spite of a Nail: 48

And that’s the new section. In general, I’d say the confrontation is better here than in the Knopf edition: Eragon is more reasonable, while Sloan is more decidedly a jerk. And it doesn’t escalate nearly so quick.

In Spite of a Nail: 50

Back to canon. The door slams open. In this edition, Eragon “snap[s]” rather than “whirls” around, and we get a more substantial change:

In stomped Horst, a hulking man. K

 

A hulking man, Horst, stomped in with his two sons, Albriech and Baldor. S

 

Uh, yes. This gives the scene a quite different tone from the Knopf edition. There, it could be Horst trying to negotiate for Eragon, until the threats came in. Here, it is immediately clear that a humiliation is intended, because the only purpose for Albriech and Baldor is intimidation. Also, they won’t do anything in this scene.

 

S Just Gonna Stand There: +2

S Petty Ain’t the Word for You: +6

Thanks for Changing: 67

 

Another comparison:

 

Sloan’s daughter, Katrina—a tall girl of sixteen—trailed behind him with a determined expression. K

 

Katrina, a tall girl of sixteen, trailed behind his bulk with a determined expression. S

 

Hmmm. I do like this version , because it has commas instead of em-dashes. Also, we don’t need to be reminded that Katrina is Sloan’s daughter; the next sentence confirms that, anyway.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 51

 

I don’t like that this edition emphasises Horst’s bulk; it serves as another reminder of just how outmatched Sloan is.

 

S Petty Ain’t the Word for You: +7

Thanks for Changing: 68

 

Back to canon. Eragon is surprised to see her, because she usually stays away. Sloan looks at them, and begins to say that Eragon won’t do something. Horst orders him to shut up, and he cracks his knuckles, which this edition notes is “an imposing sound”. Yes, thank you, we got the intimidation already.

 

S Petty Ain’t the Word for You: +8

Thanks for Changing: 69

 

We’re told he’s Carvahall’s smith, “as his thick neck and scarred leather apron attest[].” I’m putting this here because I hate this construction. We can simply be told he’s Carvahall’s smith; there’s no sign Eragon’s an unreliable narrator, after all. There’s no need to come up with evidence for this! And, also, his thick neck and leather apron don’t “attest” that he’s the smith of Carvahall!

 

PPP: +1

 

I’ll group this with “X is Y, as is evidenced by Z” and “X is Y, as hinted at by Z very obvious clue” as some of my pet peeves.

 

We get the same description of his bare arms, and his hairy chest, which this edition notes is visible through the “open” top of his shirt. He’s got a black beard, which roils and knots. He asks Sloan what he’s done now. Sloan says nothing, then glares at Eragon, and gives his version of events. Horst asks if that’s true. Eragon says it’s not, and gives his version, and at the end he asks what difference it makes where the egg comes from.

 

You Missed a Spot: 22 (Eragon should know this)

 

Horst looks at the egg, then asks Sloan why he won’t trade with Eragon. Here’s another comparison:

 

I’ve no love for the Spine myself, but if it’s a question of the stone’s worth, I’ll back it with my own money.” K

 

I’ve no love for the Spine myself, but that’s no reason to act like this. If it’s a question of the stone’s worth, I’ll back it with my own money.” S

 

I think this edition is better here, as Horst actually calls Sloan out on his behaviour.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 52

 

The question “[hangs] in the air” for a moment, before Sloan licks his lips and answers. This edition merges the two sentences.

 

Thanks for Changing: 70

 

He says it’s his own store, and he can do whatever he wants. This edition adds “You don’t have nay right to tell me who I have to sell my goods to.” True, though they’re also allowed to get their supplies via another source. And they certainly do have the right to tell you not to threaten costumers.

 

Now Katrina steps out and tosses her hair. This edition adds “Drawing a quick breath she said” as speech tag. On the one hand, I like that it shows some of her nervousness. On the other hand, we did get rid of the missing comma after “breath”.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 53

S PPP: +3

Thanks for Changing: 71

 

She says that Eragon is willing to pay, and Sloan should give him the meat so they can have supper. This edition adds “This is a ridiculous argument to have at this time of day.” So, Katrina, it would have been fine for Sloan to act like this if it was the middle of the day? I think I get what she’s aiming for, but this is not the way to say it.

 

Thanks for Changing: 70

 

Sloan yells at her to leave, which she does. Eragon watches disapprovingly, but doesn’t interfere, even though there’s three people backing him in this edition. Horst tugs at his beard for a bit, decides to buy meat for Eragon, and then asks what Eragon wants to get. Eragon says as much as he can, and this edition notes that he does so “tersely.”

 

Horst gets out some coins, and he tells Sloan to give his “best roasts and steaks.”

 

You Missed a Spot: 23

 

Sloan hesitates, “his gaze darting between Horst and Eragon.” Which makes more sense when they’re the only two people in the shop.

 

Thanks for Changing: 73

 

Horst says that not selling would be a very bad idea, and this edition adds “His arm muscles rippled, and his sons stepped forward threateningly.” Well, that’s much worse than in the Knopf edition. There, they didn’t outright threaten to beat him up if he didn’t pay. It’s also reads more like some kind of revenge fantasy here, and I’m not exactly comfortable.

 

S Petty Ain’t the Word for You: +9

Thanks for Changing: 78

S This is Fine: +5

 

Sloan goes into the back room, there’s some chopping, and soon he comes back with meat. He accepts Horst’s money, then goes to clean his knife, pretending they’re not there. And he’s still bleeding over everything.

 

You Missed a Spot: 24

 

Horst scoops up the meat and goes outside. This edition adds that Albriech and Baldor follow him.

 

Eragon hurried between them, carrying his pack and the stone.

 

Here comes the In Spite of a Nail point that I mentioned. Eragon carrying the pack makes considerably more sense when he’s grabbed it off a chair, instead of when we assume it’s still on his back.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 54

 

The night air rolls over their faces, which Eragon finds refreshing. This edition adds that Horst stops in the street and gives the meat to Eragon, “a grin on his dark face.”

 

In Spite of a Nail: 55 (because the Knopf edition never indicates that Horst handed Eragon the meat)

 

Albriech and Baldor “raise[] their hands in farewell” and hurry away. Bye bye, then. Not sure why they hurry away, but okay. And with that, they’ll be gone for several chapters.

 

All in all, they didn’t contribute anything at all here. They were just hired muscle, to help intimidate Sloan. And they’ve been rightfully cut out here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 83

The Knopf edition adds a paragraph break here, as Eragon thanks him, and says Garrow will be pleased. Come to think of it, the self-published edition is quite inconsistent with capitalising “uncle”. I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be capitalised here, but it wasn’t earlier in the chapter, and the lowercase version seems to outnumber the capitalised one, so we get a backpoint from chapter one:

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +3

Thanks for Changing: 84

 

In general, I think it was a good idea to decapitalise it everywhere.

 

 

Horst laughs, and says not to thank him, because he’s wanted to humiliate Sloan for a long time. Katrina told him what was happening, and he came. Horst doubts that Sloan will serve Eragon or his family the next time.

 

Eragon opens his pack, and asks why Sloan reacted like that. Horst tells him to ask Garrow, because he’ll know more. This edition adds something:

 

He rubbed his jaw and mused, “Truth is, I had no idea Sloan was so upset, otherwise I wouldn’t have offered to back the stone with my money.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +12

Thanks for Changing: 86 (for the Dead Herring, and because I’d like to begin a new sentence after “upset”)

 

I do have some trouble parsing Horst’s sentence here. I think he means he only backed the egg with his money because Sloan was so upset, which is of course a reasonable thing to do.

 

Eragon puts the meat in his pack, and this edition merges this sentence with his dialogue. He says he’s got another reason to hurry home, and that is to “solve this mystery”. He offers the egg to Horst. Let’s look at Horst’s reaction:

 

Horst chuckled. “No, you keep your strange rock. K

 

Horst looked at him with surprise and chuckled. “No, you keep your strange rock. I’ll stick with metal. S

 

I like the self-published version better here. When Horst is surprised by Eragon offering the egg, he doesn’t come across like a jerk, and I also like his quip in this version.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 56

 

He says that Albriech plans to go to Feinster, and that Eragon can go to work off the debt in the forge. Eragon bows. The Knopf edition adds the information on Albriech and Baldor and says that they work in the forge.

 

Thanks for Changing: 87 (this way, they won’t come out of nowhere later on)

 

Eragon thanks Horst, and says he looks forward to working with him. He’s happy that he can work off the debt, because “[Garrow] would never accept charity.” Oh, this again.

 

Bullyay: +15 (for all of Garrow’s ranting on the subject)

 

He remembers the message Roran gave him, and asks Horst if he can relay it. Horst says he can, and Eragon says that Roran will be in town when the merchants arrive. Horst asks if that’s all, and Eragon relates the rest of the message, that Roran is in love with Katrina.

 

A comparison:

 

Horst’s face broke into a broad grin, and he winked at Eragon. “Getting serious, isn’t

he?” K

 

Horst’s face broke into a broad grin and he half winked at Eragon, saying, “Getting serious, isn’t he?” S

 

I like “winked” better than “half winked” here, and the comma after “grin” is better.

 

Thanks for Changing: 88

 

Eragon answers with “Yes sir” in this edition, and the Knopf edition adds a comma.

 

S PPP: +4

Thanks for Changing: 89

 

He asks Horst to give Katrina his thanks, because it was brave of her to stand up to Sloan. The Knopf edition changes that last word to “her father”. He hopes she isn’t punished, because that would get Roran angry.

 

Horst says not to worry, because Sloan doesn’t know about that. And now we get a partially new scene, so let’s look at it.

 

Besides, with the interest she’s been showing Roran, I think she’d put herself in far more danger than that for you family.

 

And is that a good thing, then? Because the vibe I’m getting here is “she’ll go to great lengths to cover for you, so you can do whatever you want to”.

 

S Look Away: +1

Thanks for Changing: 90

 

Before you go, will you sup and spend the night with us?

 

Well, that’s a quite different request. Though I have to say that allowing him to spend the night there is more reasonable than asking him to sup and sending him on his way in the middle of the night.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 57

 

We haven’t shared a meal in months. And Elain would like to hear how Garrow is getting along.”

 

Bad, bad, bad, Elain. You should know that Garrow doesn’t want that. Who are you to care about him, after all? /s

 

Oh, Elain is Horst’s wife, by the way.

 

~~~

 

“I’m sorry but I can’t. Garrow is expecting me.

The Knopf edition inserts a comma after “sorry”.

 

S PPP: +5

Thanks for Changing: 91

 

Don’t worry though, it won’t be long before the traders come, and then we can eat and talk together. Right now I have to get home,” said Eragon, tying off the top of the pack.

 

Not much to say here, other than that Horst probably already knows when the traders will come, so this is somewhat repetitive.

 

Thanks for Changing: 92

 

~~~

“Baldor will go with you then,” replied Horst. “Night’s dangerous alone.” He crossed his arms obstinately.

 

He’s right here, though that makes me wonder why he suddenly cares now. And why send Baldor, anyway? He’s already gone home, so it would be easier to have Horst go along, once he’s told the others so? And wouldn’t the night be dangerous to Baldor, too? He should rather insist that Eragon stay behind.

 

Eragon gave him a wry look. “I survived five nights in the Spine. A little moonlit walk down the valley doesn’t scare me.”

 

…True. Why doesn’t Horst care about him going to the Spine, then? I suspect that this is a set-up to give Eragon some trouble, no matter how OOC it is for Horst.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +4

 

“Foolish risk. If you get hurt and nobody’s around, what then?” grumbled Horst, his forearm muscles bunching.

 

And going into the cursed mountains isn’t “foolish risk”? Also, way to threaten Eragon, Horst. That will make him want to comply for sure.

“Oh, I’ll be fine; nothing ever happens to me. Tell Elain I’m sorry I couldn’t come.”

 

Oh, nothing ever happens to you? How could that be…

 

S Manual Patch Job: +1

 

Right, Umaroth.

 

Eragon hoisted the pack on his back and started down the road, raising his hand in farewell. Horst stood in the middle of the road, staring after him and grumbling.

 

And he doesn’t bother to do anything. Right. This scene has been rightly cut. It adds little and Horst is quite OOC here.

 

Thanks for Changing: 97

 

Eragon goes home, and the Knopf edition inserts another comma.

 

Thanks for Changing: 98

He walks out of the village, and the moon is visible above the mountains. Everything looks bleached and flat. Now we get three extra paragraphs of thinking!

 

Eragon reviewed his dispute with Sloan. I hope Garrow can explain it. He thought of Katrina and admired the spirit she had shown. Roran was going to have a hard time courting her with Sloan around.

 

1) I would have liked to see more of his thoughts than “I hope Garrow can explain”. We did get long thought sequences earlier, but we can’t get one here?

 

2) This paragraph is quite disjointed. The thoughts do flow from one another, but they’re barely connected.

 

3) Yes, they’ll have a quite hard time courting each other, no less because of their own behaviour.

 

~~~

 

Eragon was not courting anyone himself and admitted that it was unlikely he would anytime soon. Girls were afraid of him. Well, not afraid, but wary because he had a reputation for being strange.

 

My, some actual acknowledgement that his going to the Spine would have consequences! And that other people might view him differently if there so superstitious about it! Also, of course he’s only dating girls. Wouldn’t want to feature any actual diversity, right?

 

Also, I’m quite certain this will create In Spite of a Nail points in Eldest, so I’ll keep that counter around for longer than just this book.

 

More than a few concerned mothers had pulled their daughters away, giving him disapproving frowns. He enjoyed it sometimes because it gave him a mysterious air, but most often he resented the treatment.

 

I can certainly imagine that. I like that we have some more insight into him here.

 

He was not sure how he had gotten this reputation, but he thought it was from his travels in the Spine.

 

Gee, your observational capabilities are certainly beyond compare, Eragon!

 

~~~

 

All the fields he passed were bare, but he knew that part of his family’s crops were yet unharvested. They needed his help to finish the job before the first frost.

 

“That part”? Oh, I see what he means: he knew (that part of his family’s crops were yet unharvested.)

Probably would have been best to leave out “that” here, if it could trip me up like this.

 

S PPP: +6

Thanks for Changing: 99

 

The weight of the meat reminded him of the debt he owed Horst. He hoped that his uncle would accept the meat and not view it as unwelcome help.

 

S Bullyay: +1

 

Gah! I really really hate this. Maybe relevant, but I’ve had the realisation that Garrow is basically an older version of Garfield Logan. They’ve got the same stubborn insistence that people caring for them means being forced into a lifestyle, and they lash out at everyone who tries to help them. They’re also both malnourished (not entirely sure in Garrow’s case, but it sure looks like it), and they live in a house away from other people. And I think their philosophy can be summed up as such:

 

            “And just what gives you all the right to be concerned about my well-being?”

 

Anyway.

 

I do think those paragraphs helped give us some insight, so…

 

In Spite of a Nail: 60

 

We get two repeat paragraphs: Eragon turns off the road, and goes to his house. We have a description of the house, with “whitewashed walls”.

 

You Missed a Spot: 25

 

We’re told the house has been abandoned for half a century when they moved in, and this edition inserts a comma after “moved in”. Here’s another comparison:

 

It was ten miles from Carvahall, farther than anyone else’s. K

 

They lived ten miles from Carvahall, farther away than anyone else. S

 

The rewritten version follows a bit better from what came before.

 

Thanks for Changing: 100

 

We’re told that people find the distance dangerous, but Garrow won’t listen. This has two minor changes: “they” has been changed to “the family”, and “his uncle” to “Eragon’s uncle”.

 

We get the same description of the environment, including the naming of Birka and Brugh, who won’t be relevant.

 

Eragon reaches the porch, which is called “the porch steps” in this edition. Eragon says it’s him, and asks Garrow to let him in. A comparison:

 

A small shutter slid back for a second, then the door swung inward. K

 

A small shutter on the old door slid back for a second, then closed. The door swung inward. S

 

For once, I have to say that the Knopf edition is simply tighter.

 

Thanks for Changing: 101

 

We get the same description of Garrow, including that he looks like he’s been mummified.

 

You Missed a Spot: 26

 

This edition adds this sentence: “He swung the door open further and let Eragon into the kitchen.”

 

In Spite of a Nail: 61 (for the loss of a transitional sentence)

 

He says Roran’s asleep. We have the same description of the kitchen, with a minor change in the description of the woodstove. Where the Knopf edition uses the construction “near X was Y”, this one uses “There was X and Y”. And this edition spells “woodstove” as “wood stove”.  …And I just see that they are made of iron, and that the first one was patented in 1557. Combined with some other anachronistic tech we’ll see, like bear traps, I think it’s more of a feature than a bug in this setting. So I’ll rescind my point on the whitewash.

 

You Missed a Spot: 25

 

Comparison time:

 

Eragon pulled off his pack and took out the meat. K

 

Eragon pulled off his pack and set it on the table, then took out the meat as Garrow shut the door. S

 

I’ll give it this because the self-published edition mentions where he put it down:

 

In Spite of a Nail: 62

 

Garrow immediately goes off on him, asking if Eragon bought meat and where did he get the money. This edition refers to him as “his Uncle”, with a capital letter.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +5

Thanks for Changing: 102

 

Eragon says that Horst bought it for them, and Garrow goes off on him even worse, ranting that “they might as well move into town” if they can’t feed themselves (like that would be a bad thing).

 

Let me put another comparison here:

 

Before you can turn around twice, they’ll be sending us used clothes and asking if we’ll be able to get through the winter.” Garrow’s face paled with anger. K

 

Before you can turn around twice, they’ll be sending us used clothes and asking how we’re doing or if we’ll be able to get through the winter,” ranted Garrow, his face paled in anger. S

 

1) This edition is even more ludicrous. Oh no, they’ll ask you how you’re doing! Clearly, that means that they’re trying to indoctrinate you into behaving just like they do! But this seriously shows how messed-up his worldview is. He seems determined to read bad faith in every attempt to care about him.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 63

 

2) And, come to think of it, why is Garrow allowed to force his worldview on his children, but others are not allowed to do so on him? And no, the answer can’t be “because they’re his children”.

 

3) Going back to the changes, I do like the speech tag “ranted” in this edition. It’s shows some self-awareness on Paolini’s part that is missing from the Knopf edition.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 64

 

Eragon says he didn’t accept charity, because Horst agreed to let him work off the debt “this spring”, because he’ll need someone to replace Albriech. Um, I missed this on the first pass, but Horst said that Albriech would leave next spring. And we know that’s true, because the Carvahall plot in Eldest is set next spring, and Albriech isn’t gone by then. So I guess Paolini missed this, as there’s no indication that Eragon is wrong.

 

PPP: +1

You Missed a Spot: 26

 

Garrow lies into him even more, asking where he’ll get the time to work, and accusing him of ignoring the things that need to be done. This edition adds: “When do you have that much free time with all of the chores?”

 

Well, Garrow, have you thought of speaking Horst about this? Maybe, just maybe, he would want to settle things with you. Then again, making compromises would probably be an insult to you or something.

 

Ill Logic: 27

 

Eragon now “set[s]” his bow and quiver on hooks. I don’t think that is quite the right word, and the Knopf edition changes this to “hung”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 103

 

Eragon says he doesn’t know, and here we get some new material:

 

“I’ll find the time.”

 

~~~

 

“How?” demanded Garrow.

 

Fuck off, Garrow! Give him some time to think! You’ve got months to think it over anyway! Stop badgering him!

 

S Look Away: +2

Thanks for Changing: 104

 

~~~

 

“I don’t know! It’s late and I don’t want to talk…. You can get by without me for a few days, so it shouldn’t be a huge problem. Besides, I found something that could be worth some money. We might be able to pay Horst with it, and if not, I can still work for him.” He took the stone from the pack and set it on the table.

 

I do like Eragon’s reaction here. He’s totally justified in being irritated towards Garrow, by the way. And I like that he comes up with a solution.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 65

 

Garrow bows over the egg, and he gets a “hungry look” in his eyes. This edition puts a semicolon in this sentence, and adds a dialogue tag to Garrow asking if Eragon found it in the Spine.

 

Here is a comparison:

 

“Yes,” said Eragon. He explained what had happened. “And to make matters worse, I lost

my best arrow. I’ll have to make more before long.” They stared at the stone in the near

darkness. K

“Yes,” said Eragon, and explained what had happened. He concluded,  “And to make matters worse, I lost my best arrows. I’ll have to make more before long.” They stared at the stone in the near

darkness. S

 

Not much to say, except that him having two best arrows makes slightly more sense than him having one best arrow.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 66

 

Garrow asks how the weather was, and picks up the stone. This edition notes that he reaches down to do so. Eragon says it was cold; it didn’t snow, but it did freeze.

 

Garrow says Eragon will have to help Roran with the harvest. There are two changes here: 1) this edition says “finish” instead of “finish harvesting”, and 2) it says they need to harvest the “corn” instead of the “barley”.

 

I see why. It’s because corn, or maize, is a New World crop, and it doesn’t fit with a setting inspired on Medieval Europe. So he can fix things like this.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +6

Thanks for Changing: 105

 

He says that once they’ve picked the squash, the frost won’t bother them. Here’s another change: the Knopf edition says he “passes” the egg to Eragon, while this one says he “gives it back”. Garrow tells him to keep it, and this edition adds “I don’t know what this stone means… and I’m not sure I want to either.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +13

Thanks for Changing: 106

 

It’s particularly ill-fitting when Garrow a) doesn’t seem to have much superstition regarding the Spine, and b) just was greedily looking at it.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +7

Thanks for Changing: 107

 

Garrow says that they’ll find out what it’s worth when the traders come, and selling it is probably the best course of action. After all, the less to do with magic, the better. Even when that comes with exposing other people to it, it seems. In another change, the Knopf edition adds an ellipsis at the end of the sentence, like this: “The less we’re involved with magic, the better….” I think it’s better without the ellipsis.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 67

 

And here’s some new material:

 

Where’s Albriech going?”

 

I like that Garrow follows through on hearing that Albriech is leaving here.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 68

 

~~~

 

Eragon pulled out the last piece of meat and closed his pack.

And this sentence is also nice, because it helps with the coherence.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 69

 

“Feinster. He’s going to try to become a master smith. I think he’ll make it. Horst is a talented smith, and Albriech’s been learning from him for years.”

 

Ah, nothing like “as you know” dialogue.

 

Thanks for Changing: 108

 

~~~

 

“You might be right…. Why did Horst pay for the meat?” asked Garrow.

 

 

“You might be right”? I’d think you would know that, Garrow.

 

Thanks for Changing: 109

 

~~~

 

“I got in an argument with Sloan when he heard where the stone came from. It might have turned into a fight, but Horst intervened and bought the meat for me instead. I tried to give the stone to him, but he didn’t want it…. He told me to ask you why Sloan reacted so badly.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +15

Thanks for Changing: 111

 

The explanation here isn’t so bad. It’s quite what happened, after all. I do have some problems with that last sentence. Yes, Horst did tell Eragon to do so, but the way Eragon tells it makes it sound like Horst meant as a request, instead of a suggestion.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +8

Thanks for Changing: 112

 

In contrast, the Knopf edition has this: “It took only a moment for Eragon to explain his argument with Sloan. “I just don’t understand what angered him so.””

 

I don’t mind that the explanation has been condensed, and the last sentence just is better, because Eragon comes up with this himself, instead of having Horst have him ask it.

 

Thanks for Changing: 117

 

We get roughly the same explanation, only this edition omits the commas around “Ismira”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 118

 

And the end is slightly different:

 

I think he wanted to give you trouble.” K

 

I think he just wanted to give you trouble…” The words tapered off slowly. S

 

1) I don’t think the ellipsis here was quite necessary, especially because this edition had quite some before this.

 

Thanks for Changing: 119

 

2) Just look at that bit of hand-holding at the end. Yes, I think I can figure out perfectly fine what an ellipsis means, than you very much.

 

S Thanks for Explaining: +4

Thanks for Changing: 120

 

More new material! We’re almost there.

 

Ismira must have fallen right where I was standing earlier, thought Eragon. He shook off a morbid feeling.

 

Well, good to see Eragon has a reaction here. And I can quite feel along with him here.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 70

 

“We should avoid him when the traders come. He probably has words for you.”

 

Um, why would Sloan come for Garrow? Because he’s Eragon’s uncle? Why not for Eragon? He’s the one who caused him trouble, after all.

 

~~~

 

“I don’t care about him,” stated Garrow, “and I won’t go out of my way for anyone.

 

No, of course you won’t, no matter how many messes it will land you in. Because accommodating others goes against your philosophy or something.

 

Watch your mouth though. It was his fault, but you keep getting into fights. Stop it.”

 

S PPP: +7

Thanks for Changing: 121 (for the missing comma before “though”)

 

1) Well, Garrow, do you have any evidence for that? Because we never ever see this.

 

2) And also, Eragon wanted to get meat for you! Aren’t you glad he stood his ground?

 

3) I hate the tone Garrow takes here. He as good as commands Eragon to stop getting into fights, while he didn’t get into a fight, and was clearly in the right.

 

4) Also the “watch your mouth” part. Eragon said literally nothing untoward to Sloan, yet Garrow immediately assumes that Eragon did so, and orders him to shut up. I wish that he’d copy Garfield in another respect, too, and get smacked across the face.

 

S Look Away: +7

Thanks for Changing: 126

 

~~~

 

“All right, but I don’t see what else I could have done….

 

Even Eragon points out how unreasonable he is.

 

I have to go to bed now or I’m going to fall asleep on my feet.”

 

And that was the new part. It has been rightly cut, though this last sentence should have been kept in. Here we have a decent transition from Garrow explaining about Sloan to Eragon swaying on his feet and saying he’s good to be back.

 

In the Knopf edition, we cut right to Eragon doing so, with him having no reaction whatsoever to what Garrow said, and with less context for why he’s so tired.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 71

Let’s do a comparison for the last part:

 

Garrow’s eyes softened, and he nodded. Eragon stumbled to his room, pushed the stone under his bed, then fell onto the mattress. Home. For the first time since before the hunt, he relaxed completely as sleep overtook him. K

 

Garrow’s eyes softened and he nodded. Eragon left the kitchen, stumbled to his room, and opened the door. Guided by memory, he found the bed in the darkness and gazed out the window with satisfaction. Home. He pushed the stone under his bed, then fell onto the mattress. For the first time since before the hunt, he relaxed completely as sleep overtook him. S

 

The Knopf edition is tidier here, and it has a comma where needed.

 

Thanks for Changing: 128

 

And that was the chapter. There was a lot more in the self-published edition, and while some of it could have been kept for a better sense of Eragon, most of it has been rightfully cut.

 

Oh, before I forget:

 

S Paoclichés: +2 (for two extra mentions of “frustration”)

 

Let’s see how much words we’ve lost in this chapter… There’s 5114 words in this version of the chapter, which means we’ve lost 1834 words.

 

Looking at it percentually, we lost 11,7% of the chapter in the prologue, 32,9% in the first chapter, and 35,9% in this chapter. That’s over a third.

 

Anyway, I’ll see you in chapter three of the comparison!

 

In Spite of a Nail: 71

Thanks for Changing: 128

You Missed a Spot: 26