Eragon: Self-published edition: Prologue

[pangolin20]

Here comes a little extra. As you might or might not know, Eragon was first self-published, and that self-published edition diverges somewhat from the Knopf edition in places. So, with the kind help of Epistler, I’ll be doing a comparison. Today’s post will cover the prologue.

I’ve got three counts for this purpose:

Thanks for Changing: This goes for when the Knopf edition is better.

In Spite of a Nail: This goes for when the self-published edition is better.

You Missed a Spot: This goes for when an error hasn’t been caught. (I’ll mostly limit this to grammar and spelling stuff, or else it would land in the thousands.)

I’ll mostly summarise the stuff that has stayed the same, with specific attention to the changes. Bold stands for additions.

Before I begin, I’ll add that I get the feeling this was more an attempt to lose words than an actual attempt at editing, though we’ll see.

Let’s begin, then!

The prologue is still titled “Shade of Fear”. We open on the same line of wind howling through the night. We then get Durza’s description, which is slightly different:

A tall Shade in dark clothes lifted his pale head and sniffed the air with an aquiline nose.

There’s some more description this time round, though it doesn’t add much. We won’t be recognising him by this later on, for example.

Thanks for Changing: 1

He looked human except for his maroon eyes and crimson hair.

This edition swaps “maroon eyes” and “crimson hair”. I don’t exactly mind it; in fact, I think this is a little more fluent than the Knopf edition.

Oh, by the way, Durza isn’t named here, either.

You Missed a Spot: 1

He blinks, and wonders if it’s a trap. This edition adds in that he weighs the odds “briefly”. Not much lost there. He tells the Urgals to spread out, with the same “or die” addition. We get the same description of the Urgals, with this exception:

A pair of twisted horns grew from each head above the small ears.

That’s very clunkily worded. Here’s the Knopf version: A pair of twisted horns grew above their small ears.

Thanks for Changing: 2

The Urgals go into the bush, Durza looks onto the path, and we’re told about his sword. The Urgals can’t see well in the dark. You know what, here I resurrect a count: Ill Logic.

Ill Logic: 5 (for everything about the Urgals here)

We’re told It was hard for them to remain quiet because of their bulk. Really? I don’t think these Urgals are all that large, and also, size does not necessarily impede stealth. If they’re not so large they scrape against the trees, they could be quiet.

Thanks for Changing: 3

An owl screeches, and we get this: The Shade spun around alertly, and the Urgals stiffened. Then we’re told everyone only relaxes after the owl has flown away. I have to say this is somewhat smoother than the Knopf edition, where we cut from the owl screeching to everyone relaxing. Cutting down on stuff shouldn’t mean removing context.

In Spite of a Nail: 1

The Urgals shiver, and one of them breaks a twig. Here is the difference:

Then the monsters shivered in the cold night; one snapped a twig with his heavy boot. (Knopf.)

Then the monsters shivered in the cold night; and one of them snapped a twig with his heavy boot. (Self-published.)

The self-published one is mostly better here.

[Edit: Anya has convinced me that the Knopf one is better]

The semi-colon shouldn’t be there in the self-published one, though.

Thanks for Changing: 4

Next sentence:

The Shade hissed in anger, and the Urgals shrank back, motionless. K

The Shade hissed in anger, making them shrink back, motionless. S

Not that much of a difference, though the editing apparently did not catch that shrinking back motionlessly is quite hard to do.

You Missed a Spot: 2

Durza thinks they smell like fetid meat, and resolves to think of them as tools.

Hours pass by, Durza reasons the scent must have wafted ahead, and he does not let the Urgals get up.

Ill Logic: 6

He doesn’t do that himself, either. Here, the self-published edition uses “the luxury” instead of “those luxuries”. I have to say that the latter works better, since getting up and getting warm are separate things.

Thanks for Changing: 5

He keeps standing, and the smell returns. He gets excited, and tells the Urgals to get ready. His body “vibrates” here, too, but the self-published edition adds that it is “with excess energy”. Well, that makes a whole lot more sense.

In Spite of a Nail: 2

He thinks about how much plans he’s made to get here, and this edition reads He was so close to obtaining what he had desired for years—it would not do to lose control now.

Well, that’s interesting. What he has wanted for years? I thought he was doing this on orders from Galbatorix?

Thanks for Changing: 6 (less contradictions with the other material)

The Urgals get ready, and there are two changes:

1) This edition mentions “heavy” instead of “thick” brows.

2) This edition uses “they” instead of “the creatures”. So it actually gained a racism point.

In Spite of a Nail: 3

The elves appear, and now they “came” instead of “advanced” down the trail. I think the plainer word is better here.

In Spite of a Nail: 4

The horses canter towards the ambush, and this edition notes that they do it “slowly”, and it adds that they’re flowing gracefully over the rocky ground. I’m a bit puzzled by the “rocky ground” part; given that they’re in the middle of a forest, I would think there’d be a bit of a layer above the rocks.

Thanks for Changing: 7

This edition also adds They wore no saddles or harnesses. It’s not a bad addition, per se, but it’s quite pointless, because this will be one of their selling points come Eldest, and spoiling it here makes that somewhat pointless.

Cue description of the elves. The first one is still compared to a rapier, but this edition adds that can flex much without breaking. Well, considering that we’ll only get a few lines about them in Eldest, I can’t say if this is accurate.

Thanks for Changing: 8

With the other rider, this edition says that he has the same fair face and angles features as the other elf, which does nothing except tell us that they’re elves a little earlier.

Cue Arya’s description, which has three changes:

1) She looks around calmly and with poise.

2) The driving force in her eyes is animalistic in its strength. Because we’ll see just so much of that later on.

3) Her beauty is now great. Because we need to hammer in how much she’s the love interest.

Thanks for Changing: 10 (for points 2 and 3)

And also this, because of their complete lack of camouflage:

Ill Logic: 16

The elves change places, and Durza gloats about his victory. This edition adds that it’s his “anticipated” victory, which I’m sure we could figure out for ourselves.

Thanks for Changing: 11

The horses smell the Urgals, and the elves run away. The Urgals come out of hiding, and here’s another change:

the Urgals stood and released a stream of black arrows. K

the Urgals stood and shot a stream of black arrows from their bows. S

The Knopf version is better, IMO. Still should have mentioned their bows before this.

Thanks for Changing: 12

You Missed a Spot: 3

Durza uses magic to kill Arya’s horse, and the Urgals kill her guards. This edition specifically tells us that “elven” blood pools on the ground. One, that’s quite unnecessary, and two, there’s no blood from the horses? They should have been hit by the arrows, too.

Thanks for Changing: 13

The Urgals rush to the guards, and Durza screams that they have to go after Arya.

Ill Logic: 17

This edition adds He could not afford to lose her now. Thank you so much for that.

Arya cries out, which this edition notes is “stricken”. It also adds that Inexpressible loss and sorrow were borne in that wordless protest, as if she had just seen the entire world crumble and wither. Well, that’s a bit overdramatic.

Thanks for Changing: 14

She took a step toward them, then cursed her enemies and bounded into the forest. K

She took a step toward the elves, then cursed her enemies and bounded into the forest, still holding the pouch. S

Not much to comment here, except that the last part was not exactly necessary.

Here comes a somewhat larger change:

While the Urgals crashed through the trees, the Shade climbed a piece of granite that

jutted above them. K

The Urgals crashed through the trees, no sense of concealment in their actions as they searched for her. The Shade ran to a piece of granite that jutted above the trees and climbed it. S

The Knopf version is overall smoother. And the added bit is just plain unnecessary; why would the Urgals try to conceal themselves if Durza will pen Arya in soon. Also, there’s the first use of the “sense of” construction.

Thanks for Changing: 15

Durza sets the forest in fire, and we’re told the flames are scorching and charring the trees. And presumably burning them too.

Thanks for Changing: 16 (hand-holding)

Arya kills three Urgals, and runs toward Durza. Here comes another change:

The Shade examined the ground twenty feet below, then jumped and landed nimbly in front of her. K

The Shade carefully examined the ground twenty feet below, then jumped and landed in front of the elf without losing his balance or suffering injury. The elf's eyebrows met with surprise and anger. S

The emotions are welcome here. The bit about Durza not losing his balance or getting injured is a bit superfluous, though, given that we already know he has supernatural abilities.

In Spite of a Nail: 5

Thanks for Changing: 17

Arya runs away, and Urgal blood is still black.

You Missed a Spot: 4

The Urgals hem her in, and she pulls herself up with “regal disdain”. This edition adds large eyes contemptuous.

Here comes another change:

The Shade approached her with a raised hand, allowing himself to enjoy her helplessness.

“Get her.”

As the Urgals surged forward, the elf pulled open the pouch, reached into it, and then let it drop to the ground. K

Raising his hand, the Shade approached her, allowing himself to enjoy her helplessness for a moment.

“Get her.”

As the Urgals surged toward her, the elf pulled the pouch open and let it drop to the ground. S

Not much to comment on, except the last bit. In the self-published edition, it seems as if Arya just drops the pouch with Saphira’s egg in it.

Thanks for Changing: 18

Arya begins to say the teleportation spell. This edition adds that Durza is not just desperate, but “desperate to stop her”.

Thanks for Changing: 19

He shoots another bolt towards Arya, who this edition refers to as “her” instead of “the elf”. The egg disappears, leaving her hands empty, according to this edition. And when the bolt hits her, she collapses, senseless. My, this edition seems to be much worse with hand-holding, doesn’t it?

Thanks for Changing: 21

Durza howls with rage, and fling his sword at a tree, which this edition notes he does in his anger.

Thanks for Changing: 22

Next comes another larger change:

He shot nine bolts of energy from his palm—which killed the Urgals instantly—then ripped his sword free and strode to the elf. K

Turning, he shot nine bolts of energy from his palm, killing the Urgals instantly, then ripped his sword free and strode to the elf. S

I’d say the self-published edition goes smoother here.

In Spite of a Nail: 6

This edition then adds this line: Hatred simmered in his heart as he stared at her. A little overblown, I think.

He clenches his hands and looks at the sky. Then he looked back at the unconscious elf. The Knopf edition says here that he turned back to the unconscious elf, which doesn’t work out, as he didn’t turn away from Arya to look at the stars.

In Spite of a Nail: 7

PPP: +1

Finally, when he looks confirms the egg is gone, this edition adds and that his eyes had not been fooled. Not too bad, given that there will be illusion magic later on.

And that was that for this chapter. It was quite lightly changed, compared to some other chapters.

The counts stand at:

In Spite of a Nail: 7

Thanks for Changing: 22

You Missed a Spot: 4

That looks quite promising!

Looking at how much we’ve cut down, this edition has 1585 words, and the Knopf edition has 1400. So we’ve already lost 185 words.

See you in the comparison for chapter 1!

Comments

[kalinara]

I'm actually happy to see that the self-published version is different from the officially published version. It means the editors have done their job. :-)

[pangolin20]

It also means that this comparison will actually be interesting. And, given that the ratio of good to bad changes is 22:12, that means they've been doing pretty well.